Giving Back

This blog is really just a small portion of the work that I am doing with an eye towards future happiness, increased mental and physical health, and one thing that's less obvious - I really want to help anyone else who might be facing the same battle.

Here's what I mean:

For a lot of years I've ignored or shelved the feelings that I have about monogamy, bisexuality and the direction I should take in my life.

I've done the things that were 'expected' of me like - get married (twice), have kids, buy a house, build a company, cut my grass, etc. These are things that fit into the normal fabric of societal life and I did them without complaint or conscious thought. I was raised in what is now a typical household, my father was absent and my mother did all the work of bringing up my sisters and I, so you can guess that I got a lot of instruction in 'typical' living.

The problem is, despite all of the lovingly administered indoctrination, something about it all never rang true. Granted, I am smart enough to recognize that people get married and have kids to keep the planet spinning and consumerism thriving, but was getting married to one person (for life) the ONLY way to do it? Were my mother and aunts and other family members teaching me how to be a full human or a limited carbon copy of everyone else?

It's very confusing when people you trust tell you one thing, but you feel something else in your heart. It's even more confusing when you don't have the words or intellect to discern what those differences are.

How do you access your heart when you've been told to guard it like a mummy’s tomb and hide it from everyone you ever meet?

Some people spend years in therapy and never arrive at the point of understanding that it’s okay to feel what they feel without reservation or self hatred. It took me years to realize that I was making myself sick by the simple act of ignoring the deeper part of my soul.

I'll share this much, it will eventually kill your spirit if you spend your life lying to yourself about what you feel in your heart.

The problem is, your heart and mind will argue. Your heart wants to feel. To experience and to thrive. It wants to do stupid things like white water rafting and exploring the breadth of the world. You might think that these things are mental, but here's what I discovered. Each time I experienced something awe inspiring, I didn't feel it in my head, I felt it in my heart.

When I remember something good it’s with a fond, warm feeling in my body.

Now contrast that with lying to yourself about what you feel. Your mind will try to talk you out of everything that the heart wants. You will rationalize every desire or impulse. You will find ways to procrastinate about losing weight or talking to that cute man/woman. You will admonish yourself for having one more slice of cake.

Sometimes I really wonder if the brain and the heart were meant to be in the same body at the same time...

Anyway, back to my point. The blog, joining the Poly group, attending ATL Poly Weekend and working with my wife to make things better are all just parts of the same journey.

The blog is a part that I can share with people I don't know but hope to help. If I can help just one person to realize that it’s okay to look deep inside then I will feel this has all been worth it. I love helping people. It's been my calling for as long as I can remember.

Hopefully someone, somewhere gets a useful tidbit of information from all of this rambling that I do.

Good luck.

'Smart' women are sexy

I’m lumping a lot of things into the word ‘smart’. Aspects like common sense without arrogance, natural and book learned intelligence, curiosity about the world, playfulness or seriousness in direct relation to the situation, and a solid connection to her body and spirit.

‘Smart’ shows itself in a lot of ways. It’s my thought that a woman, who typically has a more inward focus, can bring energy to bear in a way that cancels out brute force. A woman who is sure of herself can disarm a man with a word or a gesture. Face it gents, we can’t do that.

Any woman who can carry on a conversation about starting a new business while simultaneously setting the rigging on a sailboat is someone to be reckoned with. What? You say that’s too farfetched?

Okay, so how about a woman who works for a non-profit and helps dozens of people just because of the power of her heart? Or a woman who can drive a 40 foot mobile home through downtown traffic like she was born doing it? Does that still sound farfetched?

Better yet, consider a woman who broadcasts sexy, intelligent and capable while doing something simple, like gardening or teaching her children?

How many times has a woman in your life caused your inner turmoil or fear to dissipate with a single look or hug or light touch? Now imagine that power in the hands of a woman who understands how the real world works. Sexy as hell, wot?

Maybe it’s just me. I’ve been told before that I have a naïve attitude about who people really are. It just seems natural to me that properly expressed feminine energy is incredibly attractive.

Men are attracted to women for dozens of reasons. A nice rack or ass, a good job, a fancy car or house are all legitimate reasons. But I’m being totally honest when I say that even though the body catches my attention, it’s the mind and how it’s used that keeps my interest. I don’t think I’m the only man who admits that he’d get bored fast with an incredibly hot chick who didn't have two brain cells to rub together.

Monogamy as a sheild against growth

Do people use monogamy and its limiting strictures as a way to avoid having to deal with fears, insecurities , or internal growth?

You bring who you are to a relationship, no matter what type it is. In the context of a love relationship this means your hopes, dreams, fears, baggage and other bullshit.

The concept of working on your own internal crap may not occur to you for several reasons. One of the hardest things for any of us to admit is the fact that we aren't perfect. Oh, I don't mean that we don't beat ourselves up about our weight or that huge zit on our foreheads. I am talking about the fact that its difficult to admit that insecurities rule your internal world.

If your insecurity is about loneliness, it's difficult to face the idea that you MUST HAVE someone in your life to feel complete. No one wants to admit, on the surface anyway, that they need anyone. In our own minds each of us are an island. Everything we need or want is right here inside of us. We fit perfectly in the world that encompasses our comfort zone and will typically fight to the death with any change that rears its ugly head. It's not unusual for people to go their whole lives without making any significant changes to who they are or what they do.

If worry about not being loved or lovable is a problem then you will grab on to the first person that shows you the slightest affection. It doesn't matter that this person also beats you pretty much daily (and I'm not talking about a good BDSM way...). Internal apathy and fear keeps women and men alike locked into toxic and sometimes dangerous situations.

Monogamy as a construct makes it easy to avoid doing this work. Once in a relationship its extremely easy to simply ignore everything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to deal with jealousies, or insecurities, or doubts. You just have to feel them and keep it moving.

Think I'm full of shit? I've been married for a total of 25 years to two women. It's only within the last year that I've realized I MUST deal with my feelings about Polyamory (didn't even know such a thing existed, I just knew something wasn't right with me and I ignored it at every turn), kink and everything else that I've stuffed away in a dark closet.

When I had the conversation with my wife about my feelings it was a bloodbath. She later told me that she felt I'd blindsided her. It didn't end the relationship, but I think it changed things.

I'm trying to do the work with the understanding that this is something that has to happen to make my life work better. My wife has told me that while she 'kind of' understands, this isn't her way and she doesn't feel the need to deal with her insecurities. She did admit that my words make her feel that she was bad in some way or unable to satisfy me. She said that ultimately it made her feel like less of a woman. She questioned why I might be interested in having a physical (or more) relationship with someone else.

When I explained that my goal was not to replace her or in any way water down the structure of our 19 year relationship I don't think that my words had any impact. In point of fact I want to enhance our relationship. She likes to dance and party and I really couldn't give a damn about those sorts of things. If there was another member of our little 'troupe' that she could hang out with for those types of events how could that be bad for her? And in the context of a love relationship, her ability to derive pleasure from fulfilling her need would be that much greater.

Since we are already in a relatively monogamous relationship, there is no real need for her to change who she is or work on her issues. She knows that I am not going anywhere so where's the impulse?

And she isn't unique. I've had conversations with many of our married friends. I've read enough books and articles and blogs to know that people generally won't deal with things until they get bit in the ass.

It's frightening how many of them are at their 'zenith'. The have achieved all of the education they feel they need. They have all of the internal strength, fortitude and moxie to achieve their goals (which usually include which club to hang out it, how much they are going to drink that weekend and worry about what they will do next weekend...) Why grow or clean out the gutters, they are pretty much fine the way they are.

I see it as a big problem if a person has reached their pinnacle at 30. Shit, its a problem if they have reached their pinnacle at all. Anyone like that should be giving life lessons to the Dali Lama. On the flip side, its kind of creepy when a person admits that they know they have issues and don't really care. I just get the image of a guy in a clock tower with a rifle each time I hear someone say that.

My favorite porn sites (redux)

A while back I promised to publish my complete list of favorite porn web sites. The list below is all of the ones I've ever visited for the most part. They are all 'safe' within reason. I mean really, no web site is totally safe now adays...

My favorite three are still TubeGalore, RocketTube and Deviant Clip. But to the favorites I'll also add xHamsterbecause of how many different subcategories the site contains. The parser is stupid simple to use and the videos load pretty fast (compared to some), plus I have never had a popup from xHamster.

Here are the others. Some of these I haven't visited in more than a year. I did go through them for the purposes of this post to make sure they all still work.

Newsfilter A little lame, but okay
Efukt This one is always good for a laugh
Stileproject This one used to be more fun
Grayvee My neighbor swears by this one
Pornhub All HD all the time, can be slow
89 Really good toplist for videos and images
Ultradonkey Image and Video toplist
Keezmovies WTF is a Keez??
Spankwire Has separate Gay and Straight section
Badjojo Search engine for porn clips
Pornrabbit Can sometimes get chat popups
Rawtube
Redtube
Mofosex Can sometimes load slow
Pornfuze Has become a search engine, hmmm
Onlybestsex I don't know about 'only...'
Moviegator
Yuvutu Makes you verify your age first
Lubetube
Tube8
Bonertube More gay stuff
Pornoxo Good stuff, lots of choices

So there ya go, more free porn than you can shake a cum covered finger at.

Enjoy!

Is Polyamory REALLY impossible?

My former Mentor believes that my desire to expand my family is ill intentioned and doomed to failure.

My wife believes that my search is purely about sexual expansion and does not believe that three people can possibly be stronger or more stable than two.

Their arguments are sort of similar although The Mentor is more inclined towards the belief that adding a third person will lead to that person trying to supplant either myself or my wife.  His contention is that no triadic system can work because of the natural human inclination towards competition and needing to be 'first' in the hearts and minds of the person they give their body and mind too.  He says that if Triadic systems worked, there would be more of them in society.

My wife's position is more elemental – she has no intention of sharing. 

She feels that she should be 'enough' for me and that there is no earthly reason for us to add anyone to make the relationship stronger.  When I explained to her what I was trying to learn and what Polyamory was, her exact words were - “You don't really believe that bullshit, do you?”

I know how much effort it takes for two people to struggle through life together.  The work load is staggering and according to statistics better than 48% of first marriages don't last more than 4 or 5 years. 

Two loving adults working as hard as they can won't guarantee that the relationship will last or even be healthy.  And that's two adults who are trying to work together.  So how screwed up is it when one or both partners are selfish, immature, or just don't care?

The Mentor's words didn't make me doubt my heart, but they did cause me to wonder if three people of like mind are somehow less capable of  working through problems than two.  Is it possible that three adults who know their hearts well enough to share their love and homes can't work out issues of jealousy and household responsibilities and child rearing?  Isn't that what any long term relationship consists of, or am I completely naive?

My wifes words didn't make me doubt my heart either, but they did make me pause to reflect on how incredibly different two people can be, even after living together for 20 years. In her worldview there is no need to expand or grow her experience beyond the commonplace.  A dalliance or two across the years is more than enough for her.

Yes a triad is tough, but I challenge you to show me a two person relationship that isn't.  Two flawed humans, who are mirrors of each other, face issues on every level from the mundane to the terrifying.  Cheating, abuse, lying, unequal love, trying to change each other and simple burn out are just 'routine' day to day problems.

In back of Poly is the same drive that created society.  We are safer and stronger as a group than as individuals.  I don't know where the idea of two people constituting the only functional format for a relationship came from, but I suspect that its one of those control tactics instituted by religion. 

If two people can find creative ways to overcome their internal bullshit and programming, is it impossible for three or four people to do the same?  Are people really THAT limited in their ability to encompass change?

Personally I don't think that Humans are as limited as the people that surround me believe.  But I have to take their words into account.  There has to be a reason that this isn't more prevalent in society, and its my goal to find out why.

Is Getting Head All In My Head???

I can't make up my mind about something.

I like getting head. It feels awesome and in some ways is much more intimate than 'ordinary' sex. But in all the years I've had both men and women work on me, I've never been able to cum just from getting sucked.

The range of people trying has included girlfriends, wives, professionals from when I was in Germany and Spain and not a few gay men (who are excellent dick suckers, let me tell you). The methods may have all been a touch different but they all felt phenomenal. I've never had a bad blowjob.

The sensation is pretty strong on the head and along the dorsal side of my cock, but I just don't seem to be able to reach the point of finishing unless I use my hands or have actual intercourse.

Now I know porn isn't really a good measure of actual sex. What happens on those sets is nothing short of bullshit on film. It's not realistic and I don't honestly think most of the women are having that good of a time. A lot of them look either bored, in pain, or appear to be doing their taxes in their heads.

But without fail, they slap their lips on some guys king sized dong and within seconds he's shooting 2.3 gallons of jizz everywhere. The writer in me calls bullshit every time I see a woman lick a man two or three times and he blasts off. Unless the guy is suffering from a medical condition, its unlikely that he would cum that fast.

The problem is, porn gives the wrong idea about what's possible. It actually gives the wrong idea about what human beings are physically capable of. Some of those positions would hurt anyone who wasn't a fucking contortionist.

I think that's why I like the 'home made' looking stuff. At least those people are more real. They are short and tall, skinny and fat, some of them are ugly as sin. You know, average people you actually see on the street. And the guys don't cum 14 seconds after she locks her lips on him.

But still, I wonder if maybe there's something I need to talk to a doctor about. I realize that I won't cum right away, but you'd think that eventually I could.

The part that makes me wonder about why I can't cum concerns my search for the full body orgasm. If I am having trouble with what is essentially a direct assault on a nerve cluster what chance do I have to get parts of my body tingling that aren't normally involved in sex at all?

Is it mental? Is it physical? Hell, how would I even go about finding out. I'm not about to ask my regular doctor...

The possibilites are endless when thinking adults are at work

A Polyglot - Expectations Great article. My article below started out talking about the one listed here, but I got off onto another rant. Gotta watch that.

Wow, whoda thunk it? Adults thinking and acting like adults instead of children. (people getting to be who they are and - horror - being accepted for it...) I know so many people who think that the poly model is impossible. What it drives to wonder is - are they making these objections from a logical, thought induced space or just being driven by emotion?

I keep coming back to the question of - why is this such a bad thing? - because I don't understand the negative vehemence coming from the one or two people (close people that I trust enough to talk to about this)who know that I'm trying to figure out what fits in my life.

I get the answer - It's not what I need, its just mid life crisis. Or - It doesn't fit who I really am because I am married to a monogamous woman and raising children with her. Or - If I just concentrate on dealing with my own internal bullshit then I won't even need poly, swinging or any other mode of relationship energy. 

If I am understanding The Mentor properly, once I learn how to love myself I won't need or want anyone else to be part of my life because no matter what I'll always have myself. I also think that its designed to make me understand that I have reached the pinnacle of relationships by being in a stable monogamous relationship for the last 20 years and nothing else that I ever do is going to be better or more fulfilling than what I have now.

Hmmm, I wonder if this is why all I've done is look at this from the outside and held back on getting my feet wet? I mean really, its like looking at a swimming pool, all cool and inviting on a hot day, but holding myself back from getting in because there are little voices telling me that I don't really need to get in the pool for my life to feel complete.

Lots to think about.