Monogamy as a sheild against growth

Do people use monogamy and its limiting strictures as a way to avoid having to deal with fears, insecurities , or internal growth?

You bring who you are to a relationship, no matter what type it is. In the context of a love relationship this means your hopes, dreams, fears, baggage and other bullshit.

The concept of working on your own internal crap may not occur to you for several reasons. One of the hardest things for any of us to admit is the fact that we aren't perfect. Oh, I don't mean that we don't beat ourselves up about our weight or that huge zit on our foreheads. I am talking about the fact that its difficult to admit that insecurities rule your internal world.

If your insecurity is about loneliness, it's difficult to face the idea that you MUST HAVE someone in your life to feel complete. No one wants to admit, on the surface anyway, that they need anyone. In our own minds each of us are an island. Everything we need or want is right here inside of us. We fit perfectly in the world that encompasses our comfort zone and will typically fight to the death with any change that rears its ugly head. It's not unusual for people to go their whole lives without making any significant changes to who they are or what they do.

If worry about not being loved or lovable is a problem then you will grab on to the first person that shows you the slightest affection. It doesn't matter that this person also beats you pretty much daily (and I'm not talking about a good BDSM way...). Internal apathy and fear keeps women and men alike locked into toxic and sometimes dangerous situations.

Monogamy as a construct makes it easy to avoid doing this work. Once in a relationship its extremely easy to simply ignore everything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to deal with jealousies, or insecurities, or doubts. You just have to feel them and keep it moving.

Think I'm full of shit? I've been married for a total of 25 years to two women. It's only within the last year that I've realized I MUST deal with my feelings about Polyamory (didn't even know such a thing existed, I just knew something wasn't right with me and I ignored it at every turn), kink and everything else that I've stuffed away in a dark closet.

When I had the conversation with my wife about my feelings it was a bloodbath. She later told me that she felt I'd blindsided her. It didn't end the relationship, but I think it changed things.

I'm trying to do the work with the understanding that this is something that has to happen to make my life work better. My wife has told me that while she 'kind of' understands, this isn't her way and she doesn't feel the need to deal with her insecurities. She did admit that my words make her feel that she was bad in some way or unable to satisfy me. She said that ultimately it made her feel like less of a woman. She questioned why I might be interested in having a physical (or more) relationship with someone else.

When I explained that my goal was not to replace her or in any way water down the structure of our 19 year relationship I don't think that my words had any impact. In point of fact I want to enhance our relationship. She likes to dance and party and I really couldn't give a damn about those sorts of things. If there was another member of our little 'troupe' that she could hang out with for those types of events how could that be bad for her? And in the context of a love relationship, her ability to derive pleasure from fulfilling her need would be that much greater.

Since we are already in a relatively monogamous relationship, there is no real need for her to change who she is or work on her issues. She knows that I am not going anywhere so where's the impulse?

And she isn't unique. I've had conversations with many of our married friends. I've read enough books and articles and blogs to know that people generally won't deal with things until they get bit in the ass.

It's frightening how many of them are at their 'zenith'. The have achieved all of the education they feel they need. They have all of the internal strength, fortitude and moxie to achieve their goals (which usually include which club to hang out it, how much they are going to drink that weekend and worry about what they will do next weekend...) Why grow or clean out the gutters, they are pretty much fine the way they are.

I see it as a big problem if a person has reached their pinnacle at 30. Shit, its a problem if they have reached their pinnacle at all. Anyone like that should be giving life lessons to the Dali Lama. On the flip side, its kind of creepy when a person admits that they know they have issues and don't really care. I just get the image of a guy in a clock tower with a rifle each time I hear someone say that.

My favorite porn sites (redux)

A while back I promised to publish my complete list of favorite porn web sites. The list below is all of the ones I've ever visited for the most part. They are all 'safe' within reason. I mean really, no web site is totally safe now adays...

My favorite three are still TubeGalore, RocketTube and Deviant Clip. But to the favorites I'll also add xHamsterbecause of how many different subcategories the site contains. The parser is stupid simple to use and the videos load pretty fast (compared to some), plus I have never had a popup from xHamster.

Here are the others. Some of these I haven't visited in more than a year. I did go through them for the purposes of this post to make sure they all still work.

Newsfilter A little lame, but okay
Efukt This one is always good for a laugh
Stileproject This one used to be more fun
Grayvee My neighbor swears by this one
Pornhub All HD all the time, can be slow
89 Really good toplist for videos and images
Ultradonkey Image and Video toplist
Keezmovies WTF is a Keez??
Spankwire Has separate Gay and Straight section
Badjojo Search engine for porn clips
Pornrabbit Can sometimes get chat popups
Rawtube
Redtube
Mofosex Can sometimes load slow
Pornfuze Has become a search engine, hmmm
Onlybestsex I don't know about 'only...'
Moviegator
Yuvutu Makes you verify your age first
Lubetube
Tube8
Bonertube More gay stuff
Pornoxo Good stuff, lots of choices

So there ya go, more free porn than you can shake a cum covered finger at.

Enjoy!

Is Polyamory REALLY impossible?

My former Mentor believes that my desire to expand my family is ill intentioned and doomed to failure.

My wife believes that my search is purely about sexual expansion and does not believe that three people can possibly be stronger or more stable than two.

Their arguments are sort of similar although The Mentor is more inclined towards the belief that adding a third person will lead to that person trying to supplant either myself or my wife.  His contention is that no triadic system can work because of the natural human inclination towards competition and needing to be 'first' in the hearts and minds of the person they give their body and mind too.  He says that if Triadic systems worked, there would be more of them in society.

My wife's position is more elemental – she has no intention of sharing. 

She feels that she should be 'enough' for me and that there is no earthly reason for us to add anyone to make the relationship stronger.  When I explained to her what I was trying to learn and what Polyamory was, her exact words were - “You don't really believe that bullshit, do you?”

I know how much effort it takes for two people to struggle through life together.  The work load is staggering and according to statistics better than 48% of first marriages don't last more than 4 or 5 years. 

Two loving adults working as hard as they can won't guarantee that the relationship will last or even be healthy.  And that's two adults who are trying to work together.  So how screwed up is it when one or both partners are selfish, immature, or just don't care?

The Mentor's words didn't make me doubt my heart, but they did cause me to wonder if three people of like mind are somehow less capable of  working through problems than two.  Is it possible that three adults who know their hearts well enough to share their love and homes can't work out issues of jealousy and household responsibilities and child rearing?  Isn't that what any long term relationship consists of, or am I completely naive?

My wifes words didn't make me doubt my heart either, but they did make me pause to reflect on how incredibly different two people can be, even after living together for 20 years. In her worldview there is no need to expand or grow her experience beyond the commonplace.  A dalliance or two across the years is more than enough for her.

Yes a triad is tough, but I challenge you to show me a two person relationship that isn't.  Two flawed humans, who are mirrors of each other, face issues on every level from the mundane to the terrifying.  Cheating, abuse, lying, unequal love, trying to change each other and simple burn out are just 'routine' day to day problems.

In back of Poly is the same drive that created society.  We are safer and stronger as a group than as individuals.  I don't know where the idea of two people constituting the only functional format for a relationship came from, but I suspect that its one of those control tactics instituted by religion. 

If two people can find creative ways to overcome their internal bullshit and programming, is it impossible for three or four people to do the same?  Are people really THAT limited in their ability to encompass change?

Personally I don't think that Humans are as limited as the people that surround me believe.  But I have to take their words into account.  There has to be a reason that this isn't more prevalent in society, and its my goal to find out why.

Is Getting Head All In My Head???

I can't make up my mind about something.

I like getting head. It feels awesome and in some ways is much more intimate than 'ordinary' sex. But in all the years I've had both men and women work on me, I've never been able to cum just from getting sucked.

The range of people trying has included girlfriends, wives, professionals from when I was in Germany and Spain and not a few gay men (who are excellent dick suckers, let me tell you). The methods may have all been a touch different but they all felt phenomenal. I've never had a bad blowjob.

The sensation is pretty strong on the head and along the dorsal side of my cock, but I just don't seem to be able to reach the point of finishing unless I use my hands or have actual intercourse.

Now I know porn isn't really a good measure of actual sex. What happens on those sets is nothing short of bullshit on film. It's not realistic and I don't honestly think most of the women are having that good of a time. A lot of them look either bored, in pain, or appear to be doing their taxes in their heads.

But without fail, they slap their lips on some guys king sized dong and within seconds he's shooting 2.3 gallons of jizz everywhere. The writer in me calls bullshit every time I see a woman lick a man two or three times and he blasts off. Unless the guy is suffering from a medical condition, its unlikely that he would cum that fast.

The problem is, porn gives the wrong idea about what's possible. It actually gives the wrong idea about what human beings are physically capable of. Some of those positions would hurt anyone who wasn't a fucking contortionist.

I think that's why I like the 'home made' looking stuff. At least those people are more real. They are short and tall, skinny and fat, some of them are ugly as sin. You know, average people you actually see on the street. And the guys don't cum 14 seconds after she locks her lips on him.

But still, I wonder if maybe there's something I need to talk to a doctor about. I realize that I won't cum right away, but you'd think that eventually I could.

The part that makes me wonder about why I can't cum concerns my search for the full body orgasm. If I am having trouble with what is essentially a direct assault on a nerve cluster what chance do I have to get parts of my body tingling that aren't normally involved in sex at all?

Is it mental? Is it physical? Hell, how would I even go about finding out. I'm not about to ask my regular doctor...

The possibilites are endless when thinking adults are at work

A Polyglot - Expectations Great article. My article below started out talking about the one listed here, but I got off onto another rant. Gotta watch that.

Wow, whoda thunk it? Adults thinking and acting like adults instead of children. (people getting to be who they are and - horror - being accepted for it...) I know so many people who think that the poly model is impossible. What it drives to wonder is - are they making these objections from a logical, thought induced space or just being driven by emotion?

I keep coming back to the question of - why is this such a bad thing? - because I don't understand the negative vehemence coming from the one or two people (close people that I trust enough to talk to about this)who know that I'm trying to figure out what fits in my life.

I get the answer - It's not what I need, its just mid life crisis. Or - It doesn't fit who I really am because I am married to a monogamous woman and raising children with her. Or - If I just concentrate on dealing with my own internal bullshit then I won't even need poly, swinging or any other mode of relationship energy. 

If I am understanding The Mentor properly, once I learn how to love myself I won't need or want anyone else to be part of my life because no matter what I'll always have myself. I also think that its designed to make me understand that I have reached the pinnacle of relationships by being in a stable monogamous relationship for the last 20 years and nothing else that I ever do is going to be better or more fulfilling than what I have now.

Hmmm, I wonder if this is why all I've done is look at this from the outside and held back on getting my feet wet? I mean really, its like looking at a swimming pool, all cool and inviting on a hot day, but holding myself back from getting in because there are little voices telling me that I don't really need to get in the pool for my life to feel complete.

Lots to think about.

The Great Purple Wand - How I got my first anal orgasm

My favorite toy (who am I kidding, my only toy...) is a purple wand like this one:

The device has a vibrator built into the base and when it’s turned on full blast the tip will make your fingers numb. That's how strong it is. It's about 6 inches long and I'm not sure but I think it flares out to about 1.5 inches around at the base. I'm no superhero so I'm not about to try to take some 8 inch long, 20 inch wide thing in my ass.

I've had fingers and tongues in me before and they always feel wonderful, but this little toy did something to me that had never happened before.

First, a little back story.

I have very vivid memories of my first nocturnal emission. I was 12, living with my father at the time. The dream consisted of me playing with a BBW friend of mine from school. I don't remember her name, but I remember that she was Puerto Rican, thick as all get out and she liked to show off her body.

In the dream we were kissing and playing with each other and she was rubbing me through my jeans. I remember getting her clothes off and then she took off mine. The instant my cock touched her I came.

And in real life I turned into a man.

I woke up instantly feeling like I had peed on myself and being a little embarrassed. But I also felt incredibly alive and energetic. There was a flow of energy in my body that had it vibrating like nothing I'd ever felt. The best way I can describe it is like being suspended in a deep bath of warm water that completely touches all points of my skin at the same time. Nothing was cold. Nothing felt left out or neglected and it was everywhere - all at once.

The closest I have come to reliving that experience was with the wand. The moment I touched my prostate with that thing buzzing madly below me I knew something was different.

I felt the glow spread from my ass through my lower back and into my belly. From there it went everywhere. My toes were tingling. My scalp felt as if I had electricity flowing through it. I couldn't open my eyes and I may have even drooled a bit.

Somehow I got the wand all the way inside of me. There had been some resistance at first, but when that switch turned on it was like my body was made of water. All resistance melted.

I masturbated slowly, for once not in any kind of hurry to finish. Every stroke from the head down to the base must be what a guitar feels like when it is played by a savant. I felt my entire body thrumming as if it were trying to match the vibrations deep in my core.

Losing track of time is easy when you feel like that. I have no way to knowing how long it was.  Could have been minutes or hours but I really didn't care. I just wanted the sensation to continue.

Normally when I masturbate I can tell when I'm about to cum. It builds up in the base and when it happens the head feels like its going to pop off and then the energy rushes out of me.

This time, with the wand, I had no warning.

Well, maybe I did, but I didn't recognize it for what it was. I just started feeling more and more warm all over. I almost never move when I masturbate normally. It's all in my hand and my cock. But I could feel this in my back, my legs, my chest, shit I could feel it everywhere. The thrumming got more and more intense and then instead of my cock head, I started cumming from my prostate.

Maybe that's not right. It wasn't my prostate, that's just where the sensation was strongest. I felt the wand start to jump in my left and at the same time that my cock began to move in my right.

I opened my eyes in time to see a jet of cum fly completely over me landing on the wall behind. I didn't feel the first blast, I just saw it. And then the earthquake hit for real.

My entire body spasm-ed. Yeah, I was cumming and making a mess, but that wasn't important. My brain felt like it was on fire. My groin was jumping so strongly that I simply rolled onto my side and let the feeling wash over me. Wave after wave washed over me. A strong unearthly caress that had to beginning and no end. I've never experience anything like it. It almost felt like I was cumming all the way from my toes.

The wand kept on doing its thing. The vibrations never stopped and for a while I thought I might not stop cumming. Hell, I didn't really care so long as the waves kept coming.

It took a LONG time for the sensation the fade and I had to muster enough energy to pull the wand out of me before it stopped entirely.

Warm bath, totally submerged with no parts feeling cold or neglected. That's what it felt like and I have been in search of that feeling ever since.

Now where is that little purple wand...hmmm

Discovering the Tru sexual path

I know that sex (good sex) starts in the mind. If the brain isn't engaged then its not worth it, well not entirely.

I don't mind the sweating, grunting and use of nails and teeth, but the reality is, I can't get to that point until I'm at least attracted or interested. This one thought has brought me up short when it comes to explaining my quest.

My wife asked me what I felt was missing and I couldn't answer her. Until that moment I'd never tried to put it into words.  I know that I want to experiment with kink and I want to find out the difference between what I 'think' I want and what will really fulfill me, but after that – well who knows...

We'd played with a few people from time to time and that was fun, but I think she realizes that 'from time to time' isn't enough for me. She told me in pretty straight forward language that she isn't interested in a Poly or Swing lifestyle. It's not who she is and she has no intention of changing.

So when she asked me the question it caught me off guard and I was forced to realize that I didn't know exactly what I want.

This blog was created as a place for me to talk about the things that I can't discuss or even admit in 'polite society'. But something more has happened. It's grown into a way for me to examine close up all of the dark bits that I keep hidden.

What do I want? In a nutshell I want a much closer relationship with the sexual side of my heart and soul. In my day to day life I want writing and sex to be the big things that drive me, motivate me, earn me a living and help define the rest of my time on Earth.

What I mean is this - I am sick of being afraid to express all of the sides of my nature. I think about sex all the time. I realize that a lot of my actions towards earning money are so that I can pursue new understanding of how sex fits into my world. But I constantly find myself shoving my feelings deep down inside of me and acting as if they don't exist.

I used to consider becoming a sex therapist years ago, but I let my concern for how others might 'think' of me stop me from pursuing it. I know that there are people I could help.

Beyond that I am horrified at the amount of time I have allowed to pass. No one gets to live forever and you can only re-invent yourself so many times. You reach a point where you just give up if you don't do what's in your heart. That's a sad point at which to find yourself.

I have an incredible amount of respect for one of my female friends.  She is single and childless by choice. In a lot of ways she and I lived similar lives growing up and it would have been easy for her to simply give in to the pressure to get married, have a bunch of babies and spend her life lying to everyone about who she is.

She made the choice to live her own way and though I don't doubt that its been sometimes lonely, she is at least brave enough to demonstrate that there's more than one path to existence.

I know that when I finally get to the point of telling those I love who I really am, I will be judged. It can't be helped, but which is worse - lying to yourself for a lifetime, or facing the slings and arrows of those we hope will care for us no matter what?