This blog is really just a small portion of the work that I am doing
with an eye towards future happiness, increased mental and physical health, and
one thing that's less obvious - I really want to help anyone else who might be
facing the same battle.
Here's what I mean:
For a lot of years I've ignored or shelved the feelings that I have about monogamy, bisexuality and the direction I should take in my life.
I've done the things that were 'expected' of me like - get married (twice), have kids, buy a house, build a company, cut my grass, etc. These are things that fit into the normal fabric of societal life and I did them without complaint or conscious thought. I was raised in what is now a typical household, my father was absent and my mother did all the work of bringing up my sisters and I, so you can guess that I got a lot of instruction in 'typical' living.
The problem is, despite all of the lovingly administered indoctrination, something about it all never rang true. Granted, I am smart enough to recognize that people get married and have kids to keep the planet spinning and consumerism thriving, but was getting married to one person (for life) the ONLY way to do it? Were my mother and aunts and other family members teaching me how to be a full human or a limited carbon copy of everyone else?
It's very confusing when people you trust tell you one thing, but you feel something else in your heart. It's even more confusing when you don't have the words or intellect to discern what those differences are.
How do you access your heart when you've been told to guard it like a mummy’s tomb and hide it from everyone you ever meet?
Some people spend years in therapy and never arrive at the point of understanding that it’s okay to feel what they feel without reservation or self hatred. It took me years to realize that I was making myself sick by the simple act of ignoring the deeper part of my soul.
I'll share this much, it will eventually kill your spirit if you spend your life lying to yourself about what you feel in your heart.
The problem is, your heart and mind will argue. Your heart wants to feel. To experience and to thrive. It wants to do stupid things like white water rafting and exploring the breadth of the world. You might think that these things are mental, but here's what I discovered. Each time I experienced something awe inspiring, I didn't feel it in my head, I felt it in my heart.
When I remember something good it’s with a fond, warm feeling in my body.
Now contrast that with lying to yourself about what you feel. Your mind will try to talk you out of everything that the heart wants. You will rationalize every desire or impulse. You will find ways to procrastinate about losing weight or talking to that cute man/woman. You will admonish yourself for having one more slice of cake.
Sometimes I really wonder if the brain and the heart were meant to be in the same body at the same time...
Anyway, back to my point. The blog, joining the Poly group, attending ATL Poly Weekend and working with my wife to make things better are all just parts of the same journey.
The blog is a part that I can share with people I don't know but hope to help. If I can help just one person to realize that it’s okay to look deep inside then I will feel this has all been worth it. I love helping people. It's been my calling for as long as I can remember.
Hopefully someone, somewhere gets a useful tidbit of information from all of this rambling that I do.
Good luck.
Here's what I mean:
For a lot of years I've ignored or shelved the feelings that I have about monogamy, bisexuality and the direction I should take in my life.
I've done the things that were 'expected' of me like - get married (twice), have kids, buy a house, build a company, cut my grass, etc. These are things that fit into the normal fabric of societal life and I did them without complaint or conscious thought. I was raised in what is now a typical household, my father was absent and my mother did all the work of bringing up my sisters and I, so you can guess that I got a lot of instruction in 'typical' living.
The problem is, despite all of the lovingly administered indoctrination, something about it all never rang true. Granted, I am smart enough to recognize that people get married and have kids to keep the planet spinning and consumerism thriving, but was getting married to one person (for life) the ONLY way to do it? Were my mother and aunts and other family members teaching me how to be a full human or a limited carbon copy of everyone else?
It's very confusing when people you trust tell you one thing, but you feel something else in your heart. It's even more confusing when you don't have the words or intellect to discern what those differences are.
How do you access your heart when you've been told to guard it like a mummy’s tomb and hide it from everyone you ever meet?
Some people spend years in therapy and never arrive at the point of understanding that it’s okay to feel what they feel without reservation or self hatred. It took me years to realize that I was making myself sick by the simple act of ignoring the deeper part of my soul.
I'll share this much, it will eventually kill your spirit if you spend your life lying to yourself about what you feel in your heart.
The problem is, your heart and mind will argue. Your heart wants to feel. To experience and to thrive. It wants to do stupid things like white water rafting and exploring the breadth of the world. You might think that these things are mental, but here's what I discovered. Each time I experienced something awe inspiring, I didn't feel it in my head, I felt it in my heart.
When I remember something good it’s with a fond, warm feeling in my body.
Now contrast that with lying to yourself about what you feel. Your mind will try to talk you out of everything that the heart wants. You will rationalize every desire or impulse. You will find ways to procrastinate about losing weight or talking to that cute man/woman. You will admonish yourself for having one more slice of cake.
Sometimes I really wonder if the brain and the heart were meant to be in the same body at the same time...
Anyway, back to my point. The blog, joining the Poly group, attending ATL Poly Weekend and working with my wife to make things better are all just parts of the same journey.
The blog is a part that I can share with people I don't know but hope to help. If I can help just one person to realize that it’s okay to look deep inside then I will feel this has all been worth it. I love helping people. It's been my calling for as long as I can remember.
Hopefully someone, somewhere gets a useful tidbit of information from all of this rambling that I do.
Good luck.
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