I have two female friends who love sex. They fuck at the drop of a hat and really enjoy it.
And me? Fuck, I've jacked off twice since I started writing this post (just kidding...).
I also know several people who, while not being totally sexless, have really low sex drives. They are aware of it and don't really care.
When I compare the types of personalities between the two women who like sex and the ones who don't I see some interesting contrasts. The girls who like sex are really outgoing and friendly. They smile easily and enjoy social settings.
They are also way more open to new experiences. If you mention something like a threesome or porn to them they nod and talk about it without reservations or squeamishness.
With the people I know who aren't that into sex their response to social settings is a bit different. They are more reserved and don't respond to new experiences the same way. In point of fact I've seen then shut down when the conversation turns even slightly raunchy. One of these people is a big strong guy. 6' 5" with a huge infectious laugh. The kind you would think has women chasing him down the street. He likes being the center of attention right until the conversation turns to more serious topics and then he completely shuts down.
His wife tells me that the two of them haven't had sex in nearly two years...
When I consider myself and the two women I mentioned earlier I sometimes feel like some kind of freak because I like sex so much. One of the women is in her 30's. She likes her sex rough and raw. She told me that she wonders if something is wrong with her because of that.
I don't like to hear that kind of thing though. There isn't shit wrong with her because she likes sex. She's perfect the way she is. Smokin' hot body and a great spirit to match. What's wrong with that?
What could be wrong with a person liking what they like so long as they aren't hurting themselves or anyone else?
See, I chalk that up to society and social conditioning. For a healthy, happy non-married woman to think something is wrong with her because she has a sex drive is nothing more than programming. Bad programming at that.
For years I've felt bad about wanting to be in a poly relationship and it was all due to social mores. Stuff that I learned as a kid that really didn't have shit to do with who I was (am). It's difficult to get that stuff out of your head.
It's taken me 25 years to admit to myself that I want more from my relationships. I always felt it was wrong to ask for more, but like my wife says, a closed mouth don't get fed.
Is liking sex bad? Fuck no. It's natural. Built into us by the universe, or God, or the Goddess or whatever you believe. We all have differing desires and levels of desire and that's what makes soup.
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The other side of the bed
A good friend once asked me - If you split with your wife how long do you think it would take you to fill your bed?
The question kind of stopped me in my tracks because until that point I'd always thought about losing her as a form of defeat. A kind of lessening of who I was as a human and as a man. It hadn't occurred to me that finding someone to replace her in the bed would make part of that loss inconsequential.
But more than that, it made me realize the real reason that I would feel loss at all. Almost all loss is based in fear. Fear that I would experience pain. Fear that I would somehow be less and in 'trouble' if my relationship with her failed.
I've been through a divorce. I was married to my high school girlfriend. The first girl I'd ever had sex with and the mother of my first child. That's a lot of firsts that could never be repeated so when the relationship hit the skids I was buried in fear responses. I cried, I argued, I talked a lot of shit and I fucked everything that I could get my dick into to make myself feel better. One of my friends later told me that I was mood swinging like some kind of drug addict. His description was very apt, love is very much like a drug and the withdrawal from that love has got to be a lot like coming off of meth or crack.
So when I got asked the question about my current wife I hesitated. My response was more out of fear than actual intellect. The smart assed part of me said "Oh an hour or so. Maybe two if I get picky." He just looked at me and smiled. He knew I was blowing pure bullshit his way, but he let me figure that out on my own.
I do know that it wouldn't take long to fill her physical space in my bed if it came down to it. That part is easy, but what about the rest of it? 20 years is a long time to be with someone. You get to know all kinds of things about them and they about you.
But the question also has a deeper meaning. I think he was trying to get me to recognize the fear and how it might stop me from living as an authentic person. It's very possible to stay in a bad relationship simply because you don't want to have to go through putting someone else in that bed with you. Not that the relationship with my wife is bad. Quite the opposite, she's a wonderful person and a great mother. She's just not heading down the same path as me. (In itself that's a scary thing.)
People go with what they know. They go with the familiar and safe, which is why monogamy is so prevalent.
You can't live in fear every day. That kind of existence robs you of your basic right as a human being to be free and happy. If it comes down to losing my wife I know at this point that both of us will be fine. We have ties that bind us in a lot of ways and nothing will ever change that.
Yes, I will find myself displaying a degree of jealousy when she finds a new man to put in her bed. I am human and she is the mother of my children, but that's just another facet of love.
The reality is all of our feelings are valid, even the ones that suck ass and I think that's what my friend was trying to teach me. Trust your feelings. Trust your heart and trust your instincts. In the end they are all you have.
The question kind of stopped me in my tracks because until that point I'd always thought about losing her as a form of defeat. A kind of lessening of who I was as a human and as a man. It hadn't occurred to me that finding someone to replace her in the bed would make part of that loss inconsequential.
But more than that, it made me realize the real reason that I would feel loss at all. Almost all loss is based in fear. Fear that I would experience pain. Fear that I would somehow be less and in 'trouble' if my relationship with her failed.
I've been through a divorce. I was married to my high school girlfriend. The first girl I'd ever had sex with and the mother of my first child. That's a lot of firsts that could never be repeated so when the relationship hit the skids I was buried in fear responses. I cried, I argued, I talked a lot of shit and I fucked everything that I could get my dick into to make myself feel better. One of my friends later told me that I was mood swinging like some kind of drug addict. His description was very apt, love is very much like a drug and the withdrawal from that love has got to be a lot like coming off of meth or crack.
So when I got asked the question about my current wife I hesitated. My response was more out of fear than actual intellect. The smart assed part of me said "Oh an hour or so. Maybe two if I get picky." He just looked at me and smiled. He knew I was blowing pure bullshit his way, but he let me figure that out on my own.
I do know that it wouldn't take long to fill her physical space in my bed if it came down to it. That part is easy, but what about the rest of it? 20 years is a long time to be with someone. You get to know all kinds of things about them and they about you.
But the question also has a deeper meaning. I think he was trying to get me to recognize the fear and how it might stop me from living as an authentic person. It's very possible to stay in a bad relationship simply because you don't want to have to go through putting someone else in that bed with you. Not that the relationship with my wife is bad. Quite the opposite, she's a wonderful person and a great mother. She's just not heading down the same path as me. (In itself that's a scary thing.)
People go with what they know. They go with the familiar and safe, which is why monogamy is so prevalent.
You can't live in fear every day. That kind of existence robs you of your basic right as a human being to be free and happy. If it comes down to losing my wife I know at this point that both of us will be fine. We have ties that bind us in a lot of ways and nothing will ever change that.
Yes, I will find myself displaying a degree of jealousy when she finds a new man to put in her bed. I am human and she is the mother of my children, but that's just another facet of love.
The reality is all of our feelings are valid, even the ones that suck ass and I think that's what my friend was trying to teach me. Trust your feelings. Trust your heart and trust your instincts. In the end they are all you have.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Openmindedness is a symptom of growth
When is it that people stop growing and becoming more?
20's?
30's?
60's?
I wonder sometimes only because I know so many close minded people. The ages range from the late 20's to late 60's almost 70.
These are some really great people. Some are family members. One on one they are cool to hang out with and even learn things from. But if the talk turns to an area that is slightly uncomfortable, or heaven forbid, sexual in nature there is an immediate clam up or change of subject.
What I can't comprehend is the inability or unwillingness of educated, 'worldly' people to see more than their own view of the world. It's a point of fact that you can't learn about the world around you without exposing yourself to differing viewpoints.
Seriously. Try studying history sometimes. If you read a text book created for a child from the North it's a completely different book than one created for the South or West even though the information is about THE SAME COUNTRY OR HISTORICAL EVENT.
I believe that locked thinking starts in school. Children are malleable. They LOVE to learn and experience. The thing is, from the moment that the child is exposed to ways of thinking to which the parent or guardian does not approve, the warping begins. That child is not allowed to learn the information and then make up their own mind as to how they feel or what they think.
Now don't misunderstand me. I am a parent and there are things that I know my children shouldn't be exposed to until they have a frame of reference for dealing with the feelings or problems that the information might present. BUT, I don't see any reason to shield them from real life that they will have to deal with when I am not around to protect them.
I'm not trying to raise mental midgets or yes men. I want my children to have strong minds and wills that they can choose to unleash or restrain as they see fit. In other words I want them to be better than me. I want them to have reasonably healthy lives full of choices that they make or deny.
I don't want them to be in their 50's realizing that they shit their lives away living a model that wasn't of their choosing. No one should ever be forced to live a certain way because someone told them that there aren't any alternatives.
Life is full of alternatives and it only damages people when they are told or believe otherwise.
Human beings are incredibly complex beings. We build skyscrapers and star ships, and we also murder babies and each other. We save lives by performing the most delicate of surgery and we butcher each other in the name of religion. We hold our newborn in our arms and swear to die before allowing the child to come to harm, and we also throw our children in the trash because one more mouth to feed is just too much.
It's sad, and its glorious, and its terrifying, and it feels like heaven all at the same time. So how the hell can you tell me that there is only one way to live and experience the world?
20's?
30's?
60's?
I wonder sometimes only because I know so many close minded people. The ages range from the late 20's to late 60's almost 70.
These are some really great people. Some are family members. One on one they are cool to hang out with and even learn things from. But if the talk turns to an area that is slightly uncomfortable, or heaven forbid, sexual in nature there is an immediate clam up or change of subject.
What I can't comprehend is the inability or unwillingness of educated, 'worldly' people to see more than their own view of the world. It's a point of fact that you can't learn about the world around you without exposing yourself to differing viewpoints.
Seriously. Try studying history sometimes. If you read a text book created for a child from the North it's a completely different book than one created for the South or West even though the information is about THE SAME COUNTRY OR HISTORICAL EVENT.
I believe that locked thinking starts in school. Children are malleable. They LOVE to learn and experience. The thing is, from the moment that the child is exposed to ways of thinking to which the parent or guardian does not approve, the warping begins. That child is not allowed to learn the information and then make up their own mind as to how they feel or what they think.
Now don't misunderstand me. I am a parent and there are things that I know my children shouldn't be exposed to until they have a frame of reference for dealing with the feelings or problems that the information might present. BUT, I don't see any reason to shield them from real life that they will have to deal with when I am not around to protect them.
I'm not trying to raise mental midgets or yes men. I want my children to have strong minds and wills that they can choose to unleash or restrain as they see fit. In other words I want them to be better than me. I want them to have reasonably healthy lives full of choices that they make or deny.
I don't want them to be in their 50's realizing that they shit their lives away living a model that wasn't of their choosing. No one should ever be forced to live a certain way because someone told them that there aren't any alternatives.
Life is full of alternatives and it only damages people when they are told or believe otherwise.
Human beings are incredibly complex beings. We build skyscrapers and star ships, and we also murder babies and each other. We save lives by performing the most delicate of surgery and we butcher each other in the name of religion. We hold our newborn in our arms and swear to die before allowing the child to come to harm, and we also throw our children in the trash because one more mouth to feed is just too much.
It's sad, and its glorious, and its terrifying, and it feels like heaven all at the same time. So how the hell can you tell me that there is only one way to live and experience the world?
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Black, white, and all over the place...
Once before I considered the concept of the black sexual agenda. Everyone always seems to have an agenda so why not black people concerning sex. (For those who don't already know, I am black.)
It's my completely unscientific feeling that there really isn't one. I mean, of course black people have sex. Shit, we'd be in more trouble than normal if we didn't. But my concern comes from 45 years of non-conversations that I haven't experienced with members of my own race. I don't see anyone talking about this either in public or in private. (Maybe I'm just hanging out with repressed people...)
Anyway, that's not where I was going with this post.
The reason I brought it up was because here lately I've begun to wonder if there is an a major problem in relationships between black men and black women.
It seems as though black women are choosing white, Latino or Asian men at a much higher rate than ever in history. And the same is true for black men. The census bureau reports that black-white marriages increased from 65,000 in 1970 to 422,000 in 2005.
Now don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less who you decide to marry or co-habit with or whatever. One of the women I am in love with is white. The other is black They are both the lights of my life and I am lucky to have them.(I'll have to post more on this at another time, there is actually a serious disparity there too...).
What I see happening is the melting pot effect slowly reaching towards its ultimate expression. I have a writer friend who is convinced that at some point in the future there will only be one race and everyone will be light brown. I don't know, but based on the numbers I can see how he would forecast that.
For the purposes of this blog, my question is - are black men finding white women easier to love and hold onto? Are black women finding white men more approachable and family oriented?
The old dynamic (circa 1970) was that black men had a white woman on their arm as a status symbol. A way to show that they were better than the other 'brothers' in the hood. I can say this with 100% assurance because its how my father ended up with the woman he married after he left my mother. And if you need more anecdotal evidence, his best friend and three others on the force did exactly the same thing. Now I now this isn't scientific by any stretch, but I never claimed to be a scientist. This is just what I experienced.
Another reason that black men have traditionally gone to white women is the supposed lack of inhibition (and/or lack morality, but that one is bullshit as far as I am concerned humans have morality or not, it doesn't have shit to do with their race). White women are reputed more likely to suck your nuts through your cock than any black woman that you will ever meet. At least that's how the theory goes.
Black women would feed you, but a white woman would make you feel like a man.
On the flip side of the coin black women found white men to be more career or goal oriented. Usually college educated (white men outnumber black men in college by a factor of about 5 to 1 - in 2008 the DOE records show 64% of male students enrolled in degree granting institutions were white and only 13% were black.) And with backgrounds that might not include things like gangs, shitty credit or prison time, a white man could look more attractive.
Remember, all of this is just a theory of mine, backed by data, but still just a theory.
To take this back into the realm of sexuality lets consider pornography since its pretty prevalent in so much of life. Let me say that I know porn is not the best indicator of how women act in real life. No woman, black or otherwise, wants to be routinely gang raped by a room full of horny men. BUT, the porn industry itself (the money making end of it) is another one of those area's where we trail other races.
I know that there is plenty of black porn being produced, but my research has shown that the majority of it (75%) is poorly shot and poorly lit. There's no attempt at basic dialog, structure or plot. It's more like two (or more) animals rutting in heat. For the most part black porn seems to be what happens after the music video shoot is over. It's really no big surprise that so many couples starting out have the wrong impression of just what sex is supposed to look and feel like. If porn is their first visual of sex between two people of course they get it wrong. I know I did.
Also, I can't find a single instance of a porn production company run by a black female. I hope to God that I'm wrong about that and my internet skills need some sharpening, but I don't think so. So if no one is producing 'quality' porn for and by black people, who can argue the point that we appear to be more animal natured than any other race? People believe what they see. So the next time you hear a black woman complaining that her new man expected her to take it up the ass dry while tied to the wall, you know where its coming from...
Anyway, lets recap.
1. There doesn't seem to be a black sexual agenda.
2. Black women and White men are getting together just like Black men and White women.
3. It's quite likely that we will all be brown at some point in the future if the aliens or zombies don't get us first.
4. Black and white women like educated men.
5. Black women aren't as freaky in bed as white women (unless you believe what you see in porn).
6. It's getting late and I need to get some sleep.
Did I miss anything?
Nah, I didn't think so.
Peace
It's my completely unscientific feeling that there really isn't one. I mean, of course black people have sex. Shit, we'd be in more trouble than normal if we didn't. But my concern comes from 45 years of non-conversations that I haven't experienced with members of my own race. I don't see anyone talking about this either in public or in private. (Maybe I'm just hanging out with repressed people...)
Anyway, that's not where I was going with this post.
The reason I brought it up was because here lately I've begun to wonder if there is an a major problem in relationships between black men and black women.
It seems as though black women are choosing white, Latino or Asian men at a much higher rate than ever in history. And the same is true for black men. The census bureau reports that black-white marriages increased from 65,000 in 1970 to 422,000 in 2005.
Now don't get me wrong, I couldn't care less who you decide to marry or co-habit with or whatever. One of the women I am in love with is white. The other is black They are both the lights of my life and I am lucky to have them.(I'll have to post more on this at another time, there is actually a serious disparity there too...).
What I see happening is the melting pot effect slowly reaching towards its ultimate expression. I have a writer friend who is convinced that at some point in the future there will only be one race and everyone will be light brown. I don't know, but based on the numbers I can see how he would forecast that.
For the purposes of this blog, my question is - are black men finding white women easier to love and hold onto? Are black women finding white men more approachable and family oriented?
The old dynamic (circa 1970) was that black men had a white woman on their arm as a status symbol. A way to show that they were better than the other 'brothers' in the hood. I can say this with 100% assurance because its how my father ended up with the woman he married after he left my mother. And if you need more anecdotal evidence, his best friend and three others on the force did exactly the same thing. Now I now this isn't scientific by any stretch, but I never claimed to be a scientist. This is just what I experienced.
Another reason that black men have traditionally gone to white women is the supposed lack of inhibition (and/or lack morality, but that one is bullshit as far as I am concerned humans have morality or not, it doesn't have shit to do with their race). White women are reputed more likely to suck your nuts through your cock than any black woman that you will ever meet. At least that's how the theory goes.
Black women would feed you, but a white woman would make you feel like a man.
On the flip side of the coin black women found white men to be more career or goal oriented. Usually college educated (white men outnumber black men in college by a factor of about 5 to 1 - in 2008 the DOE records show 64% of male students enrolled in degree granting institutions were white and only 13% were black.) And with backgrounds that might not include things like gangs, shitty credit or prison time, a white man could look more attractive.
Remember, all of this is just a theory of mine, backed by data, but still just a theory.
To take this back into the realm of sexuality lets consider pornography since its pretty prevalent in so much of life. Let me say that I know porn is not the best indicator of how women act in real life. No woman, black or otherwise, wants to be routinely gang raped by a room full of horny men. BUT, the porn industry itself (the money making end of it) is another one of those area's where we trail other races.
I know that there is plenty of black porn being produced, but my research has shown that the majority of it (75%) is poorly shot and poorly lit. There's no attempt at basic dialog, structure or plot. It's more like two (or more) animals rutting in heat. For the most part black porn seems to be what happens after the music video shoot is over. It's really no big surprise that so many couples starting out have the wrong impression of just what sex is supposed to look and feel like. If porn is their first visual of sex between two people of course they get it wrong. I know I did.
Also, I can't find a single instance of a porn production company run by a black female. I hope to God that I'm wrong about that and my internet skills need some sharpening, but I don't think so. So if no one is producing 'quality' porn for and by black people, who can argue the point that we appear to be more animal natured than any other race? People believe what they see. So the next time you hear a black woman complaining that her new man expected her to take it up the ass dry while tied to the wall, you know where its coming from...
Anyway, lets recap.
1. There doesn't seem to be a black sexual agenda.
2. Black women and White men are getting together just like Black men and White women.
3. It's quite likely that we will all be brown at some point in the future if the aliens or zombies don't get us first.
4. Black and white women like educated men.
5. Black women aren't as freaky in bed as white women (unless you believe what you see in porn).
6. It's getting late and I need to get some sleep.
Did I miss anything?
Nah, I didn't think so.
Peace
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