I know that sex (good sex) starts in the mind. If the brain isn't engaged then its not worth it, well not entirely.
I don't mind the sweating, grunting and use of nails and teeth, but the reality is, I can't get to that point until I'm at least attracted or interested. This one thought has brought me up short when it comes to explaining my quest.
My wife asked me what I felt was missing and I couldn't answer her. Until that moment I'd never tried to put it into words. I know that I want to experiment with kink and I want to find out the difference between what I 'think' I want and what will really fulfill me, but after that – well who knows...
We'd played with a few people from time to time and that was fun, but I think she realizes that 'from time to time' isn't enough for me. She told me in pretty straight forward language that she isn't interested in a Poly or Swing lifestyle. It's not who she is and she has no intention of changing.
So when she asked me the question it caught me off guard and I was forced to realize that I didn't know exactly what I want.
This blog was created as a place for me to talk about the things that I can't discuss or even admit in 'polite society'. But something more has happened. It's grown into a way for me to examine close up all of the dark bits that I keep hidden.
What do I want? In a nutshell I want a much closer relationship with the sexual side of my heart and soul. In my day to day life I want writing and sex to be the big things that drive me, motivate me, earn me a living and help define the rest of my time on Earth.
What I mean is this - I am sick of being afraid to express all of the sides of my nature. I think about sex all the time. I realize that a lot of my actions towards earning money are so that I can pursue new understanding of how sex fits into my world. But I constantly find myself shoving my feelings deep down inside of me and acting as if they don't exist.
I used to consider becoming a sex therapist years ago, but I let my concern for how others might 'think' of me stop me from pursuing it. I know that there are people I could help.
Beyond that I am horrified at the amount of time I have allowed to pass. No one gets to live forever and you can only re-invent yourself so many times. You reach a point where you just give up if you don't do what's in your heart. That's a sad point at which to find yourself.
I have an incredible amount of respect for one of my female friends. She is single and childless by choice. In a lot of ways she and I lived similar lives growing up and it would have been easy for her to simply give in to the pressure to get married, have a bunch of babies and spend her life lying to everyone about who she is.
She made the choice to live her own way and though I don't doubt that its been sometimes lonely, she is at least brave enough to demonstrate that there's more than one path to existence.
I know that when I finally get to the point of telling those I love who I really am, I will be judged. It can't be helped, but which is worse - lying to yourself for a lifetime, or facing the slings and arrows of those we hope will care for us no matter what?
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Admissions of a kinkster in training
A few things to admit to so that I can get past all of
the lies and bullshit that I tell myself:
1. I love sex.
1. I love sex.
2. Specifically, I love anal sex.
3. Like most kinky people I need way more sex than I am
getting.
4. I desire sex that has more meaning than simply
addressing my cock and orgasm.
5. I have interest in kinks that I haven't begun to
comprehend.
6. Vanilla sex has got to be the most boring thing on the
planet. Whoever said there's no such thing as boring sex was WAY wrong.
7. I have an ingrained (taught by women) impression that
most women do not like sex and this comes from the women I know - family,
friends and associates. I don't make this shit up. It's one reason I am
surprised when I meet a woman who likes sex and isn't afraid to talk about it.
8. I have been married to two women. In my experience
(over 25 years) neither of them was initially willing to explore their internal
landscape. Day to day, hour to hour, minute by minute was fine with them. The
past doesn't exist and that's that. I don't think all women are like this, just
the ones I marry... (there's an addendum for this one, but I''ll write about it
later.)
9. I like shorter, thick women. There's just something
about a compact female that spins my wheels at warp speed.
10. I am not the most romantic man on the planet. I am
wired to do practical things and that's how I show my love and affection. With
practical help, advice and actions. Don't expect a lot of small gifts from me
because I don't think that way.
11. To a degree I am bi-sexual. I have had sex with men
and I know I will again. I DO NOT, however, suck dick, get fucked in the ass or
swallow cum. (Yeah I know its selfish, but these are true admissions,
remember?)
12. I like porn, but I've reached the point where a lot
of it is boring to watch and it takes something out of the ordinary to get my
attention.
13. I masturbate at least once per day usually to
fantasies of anal or oral sex with a certain friend of mine. I almost never
fantasize about my wife, is that weird?
14. I don't care for phone sex or virtual sex, if I can't
feel it and the other person can't feel it, what's the point?
15. I am very angry that I chose to wait this long to get
serious about cleaning out the bullshit in my head.
16. I am sometimes very confused and feel like such a
freak for all of the stuff I said above because its so much different than what
the people I know show me or seem to feel.
I think that covers most of it. I'm sure there's more since I am still digging around inside there to clear out the crap. 46 years is enough time to build up a good layer of shit.
There are times that I wonder if the work is worth it, but I've been told that getting out of the box is only slightly less important than breathing.
I think that covers most of it. I'm sure there's more since I am still digging around inside there to clear out the crap. 46 years is enough time to build up a good layer of shit.
There are times that I wonder if the work is worth it, but I've been told that getting out of the box is only slightly less important than breathing.
Monday, April 16, 2012
What's missing??
A few months back I realized that I am missing something in my life. That something is true, lasting friendships with people that aren't vanilla, anal retentive boors.
For years I've made friends with people using an old model of who I used to be. I would befriend neighbors or the parents of my kids friends, or friends of friends. Over the course of time I would get to know them a bit and maybe even share some level of personal information.
Through the 'getting to know you' phase it would become clear what type of person they were from their actions or words. For example I had a neighbor for three years who was a mountain of a man. He was very outgoing and gregarious and would give you the shirt off of his back. He seemed to love life in a lot of ways and did what he could to be happy as much as possible.
Despite all that he was extremely shallow. It took all of 10 minutes to know everything that there was to know about him and he was the first one to admit that he didn't like to think deep thoughts. Whenever the conversation turned to a subject of some substance he would either leave or try to turn the conversation back to things like the weather or cutting grass or 'Drink More Beer".
Granted, some people are simply private and won't discuss ANY information. But this individual said on many occasions that he thought talking about philosophical shit, or emotional shit, or relationship shit, was just that - shit. The result, at least where I was concerned, was that I got bored with him. Sitting and talking for hours without actually saying anything got old pretty damned fast.
However, he wasn't the exception. I moved to Georgia 10 years ago and I've met an awful lot of people in that time. I can honestly say that in that time I've only met two men who like to talk about subjects other than the weather and sports. The women I've met talk about less than that.
So what kind of freak would I look like if I was my honest self around them? If I mentioned my interest in Poly, or watching my wife get it on with another woman, the concept would turn them all the way off. I'm not guessing about this. I spoke to one wife that I know had had a pretty rough time of it before she met her husband and her response to end the conversation that she essentially started was 'I don't think about that anymore so it doesn't matter'.
Okay, whatever you say.
So those types of vanilla homebodies aren't the friends that I've been pining away for all these years. I would like to meet some people that I could open up to without fear of being judged.
The trick is to discover if I can do this within the boundaries of my marriage. I am only theorizing when I say this, but its based on 20 years of personal observation, my wifes whole identity is tied up in the vanilla concept of the 'perfect' life - kids, house, one husband till death do us part, sex once in a while (with only said husband), and a few (if any) friends that she feels comfortable hanging out with. Her box is pretty small and she's cool with that.
Being capable of change isn't the same as being willing to change. It's like anything else, a commitment to growth requires actual effort and not everyone is wired that way.
Gonna have to be more clever I guess...
For years I've made friends with people using an old model of who I used to be. I would befriend neighbors or the parents of my kids friends, or friends of friends. Over the course of time I would get to know them a bit and maybe even share some level of personal information.
Through the 'getting to know you' phase it would become clear what type of person they were from their actions or words. For example I had a neighbor for three years who was a mountain of a man. He was very outgoing and gregarious and would give you the shirt off of his back. He seemed to love life in a lot of ways and did what he could to be happy as much as possible.
Despite all that he was extremely shallow. It took all of 10 minutes to know everything that there was to know about him and he was the first one to admit that he didn't like to think deep thoughts. Whenever the conversation turned to a subject of some substance he would either leave or try to turn the conversation back to things like the weather or cutting grass or 'Drink More Beer".
Granted, some people are simply private and won't discuss ANY information. But this individual said on many occasions that he thought talking about philosophical shit, or emotional shit, or relationship shit, was just that - shit. The result, at least where I was concerned, was that I got bored with him. Sitting and talking for hours without actually saying anything got old pretty damned fast.
However, he wasn't the exception. I moved to Georgia 10 years ago and I've met an awful lot of people in that time. I can honestly say that in that time I've only met two men who like to talk about subjects other than the weather and sports. The women I've met talk about less than that.
So what kind of freak would I look like if I was my honest self around them? If I mentioned my interest in Poly, or watching my wife get it on with another woman, the concept would turn them all the way off. I'm not guessing about this. I spoke to one wife that I know had had a pretty rough time of it before she met her husband and her response to end the conversation that she essentially started was 'I don't think about that anymore so it doesn't matter'.
Okay, whatever you say.
So those types of vanilla homebodies aren't the friends that I've been pining away for all these years. I would like to meet some people that I could open up to without fear of being judged.
The trick is to discover if I can do this within the boundaries of my marriage. I am only theorizing when I say this, but its based on 20 years of personal observation, my wifes whole identity is tied up in the vanilla concept of the 'perfect' life - kids, house, one husband till death do us part, sex once in a while (with only said husband), and a few (if any) friends that she feels comfortable hanging out with. Her box is pretty small and she's cool with that.
Being capable of change isn't the same as being willing to change. It's like anything else, a commitment to growth requires actual effort and not everyone is wired that way.
Gonna have to be more clever I guess...
Friday, April 13, 2012
A promise made is a promise kept
One of the most important people in my life sat me down when I was younger and told me a story.
The story dealt with how black families fought and died to hold onto each other because it was only this connection that helped create and hold a community together. I know there were some parts that had to do with husbands and wives sacrificing for each other to keep the family together and that's what 'life' was about.
I don't remember all of it, but I do know that the gist of it went - 'As the only male child its up to you to continue the family name. Family is the most important thing. Your wife and children will make up the balance of your life.'
Not exactly 'Luke I am your father...' but pretty close. And since the story came from the one adult male I trusted without question I took it to heart.
I promised that I would carry on the name. I promised that I would live my life according to the principles of family first. I also promised that no matter what I would be a better husband and father than my father.
I don't remember exactly when this conversation took place but my best guess is somewhere between 11 and 12 years old.
In trying to keep that promise I completely disregarded the idea of free will. Well, maybe not exactly. I did have a choice. I just chose to follow the path laid out for me by someone that I thought of as 'better' than me.
Now, the initial response of anyone reading this might be - 'Well, your grown now. You should change things if you don't like them.' And to the degree that I have the right to choose my own life you'd be right.
But think about this. That conversation was more than 35 years ago. In that time I've made choices that drive me only in that direction. I've been married twice (once for 5 years and currently for 20). I have children. I have a business and friends that know me only as the person I've 'portrayed'.
I have relationships with my family that go back to birth and have followed a 'normal' curve of jobs, paying bills, being cheated on, divorce and the normal aspects of life.
I've created 46 years of learned responses on the part of anyone outside of my head. They 'know' me as the person I appear to be.
Since this search and my feelings are primarily internal (there are external aspects as well, but that's for later...) I've kept them close to my chest. Almost no one has any clue that I am feeling this way or dealing with the sense of disconnection that is a natural outgrowth of not living life honestly.
Can you imagine the shock of me telling everyone what I'm dealing with? Suddenly revealing that my entire adult life was based on a promise made by a 12 year old and isn't who I am at all...
My wife is having trouble with the parts that I've told her. She isn't interested in understanding even the basic levels of my internal changes. She's the closest person to my heart and she doesn't want to deal with it, so where does that leave the others?
In retrospect I think I understand what will happen on the day that I tell everyone that I am not all that interested in monogamy. I can guess the response when I tell them that I have bisexual leanings. I also know how well it will play when I reveal that I need to make changes to every aspect of my life (where I live, the things I am involved in to discover who I am, who I allow to be around me, how much time I intend to give to aspects of my physical and sexual reality, and the fact that who they think I am isn't even close.)
Telling dozens of vanilla family members and current friends that I am into kink and like to spend time taking tantra classes is going to change things.
Part of the purpose of this blog is to help me prepare for this change. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I also don't plan to keep living my life pretending to be someone that I'm not. It's guaranteed that I will lose people along the way, but I think that in the long run I will gain a new community of people who fit better.
At the very least I will finally be around people that I don't have to hide myself from. Building family and community is something that I am driven to do in my heart. Helping those around me that I care about who care for the real me.
And in a way I will still be keeping the promise, just doing it my way this time...
The story dealt with how black families fought and died to hold onto each other because it was only this connection that helped create and hold a community together. I know there were some parts that had to do with husbands and wives sacrificing for each other to keep the family together and that's what 'life' was about.
I don't remember all of it, but I do know that the gist of it went - 'As the only male child its up to you to continue the family name. Family is the most important thing. Your wife and children will make up the balance of your life.'
Not exactly 'Luke I am your father...' but pretty close. And since the story came from the one adult male I trusted without question I took it to heart.
I promised that I would carry on the name. I promised that I would live my life according to the principles of family first. I also promised that no matter what I would be a better husband and father than my father.
I don't remember exactly when this conversation took place but my best guess is somewhere between 11 and 12 years old.
In trying to keep that promise I completely disregarded the idea of free will. Well, maybe not exactly. I did have a choice. I just chose to follow the path laid out for me by someone that I thought of as 'better' than me.
Now, the initial response of anyone reading this might be - 'Well, your grown now. You should change things if you don't like them.' And to the degree that I have the right to choose my own life you'd be right.
But think about this. That conversation was more than 35 years ago. In that time I've made choices that drive me only in that direction. I've been married twice (once for 5 years and currently for 20). I have children. I have a business and friends that know me only as the person I've 'portrayed'.
I have relationships with my family that go back to birth and have followed a 'normal' curve of jobs, paying bills, being cheated on, divorce and the normal aspects of life.
I've created 46 years of learned responses on the part of anyone outside of my head. They 'know' me as the person I appear to be.
Since this search and my feelings are primarily internal (there are external aspects as well, but that's for later...) I've kept them close to my chest. Almost no one has any clue that I am feeling this way or dealing with the sense of disconnection that is a natural outgrowth of not living life honestly.
Can you imagine the shock of me telling everyone what I'm dealing with? Suddenly revealing that my entire adult life was based on a promise made by a 12 year old and isn't who I am at all...
My wife is having trouble with the parts that I've told her. She isn't interested in understanding even the basic levels of my internal changes. She's the closest person to my heart and she doesn't want to deal with it, so where does that leave the others?
In retrospect I think I understand what will happen on the day that I tell everyone that I am not all that interested in monogamy. I can guess the response when I tell them that I have bisexual leanings. I also know how well it will play when I reveal that I need to make changes to every aspect of my life (where I live, the things I am involved in to discover who I am, who I allow to be around me, how much time I intend to give to aspects of my physical and sexual reality, and the fact that who they think I am isn't even close.)
Telling dozens of vanilla family members and current friends that I am into kink and like to spend time taking tantra classes is going to change things.
Part of the purpose of this blog is to help me prepare for this change. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I also don't plan to keep living my life pretending to be someone that I'm not. It's guaranteed that I will lose people along the way, but I think that in the long run I will gain a new community of people who fit better.
At the very least I will finally be around people that I don't have to hide myself from. Building family and community is something that I am driven to do in my heart. Helping those around me that I care about who care for the real me.
And in a way I will still be keeping the promise, just doing it my way this time...
Monday, April 9, 2012
Sex is NOT the enemy.
It's taken me a while to understand the point of this blog. (Yeah, I know I'm writing it, but that doesn't mean I fully understand 'why')
Sex is a major part of our lives but 'mainstream' America (and the world at large...) downplay it. I've always figured that society tries to keep our true sexual nature under wraps for fear that no one would ever get anything of substance done if we were honest about how much we would love to fuck the guy or girl sitting across from us at the office.
The reality is, we DO want to fuck the guy or girl sitting across from us. It's natural, but yes, it does need to be controlled to the degree that we aren't just rutting in the street like animals. I guess the part that makes me mad is when people take it to the extreme of calling anyone who happens to like sex a slut or pervert. With few exceptions I think that we ALL like sex.
Still, I feel that sex and sexual expression should be celebrated. It's a gift from God or the Universe or whatever you believe. I think that's the point of the blog Sex Is Not The Enemy. I looked at it for about 20 minutes before I began to understand what the creator of the blog was trying to do.
A lot of the posts are nothing more than an image. HD shots of real human beings enjoying one another or themselves. Smiles, all kinds of body types, black, white, gay, lesbian, TS, you name it. Everything that we are as a species is represented and shown for what it is.
We are beautiful. We fill our universe with each other and that's the way it should be.
Sex is a major part of our lives but 'mainstream' America (and the world at large...) downplay it. I've always figured that society tries to keep our true sexual nature under wraps for fear that no one would ever get anything of substance done if we were honest about how much we would love to fuck the guy or girl sitting across from us at the office.
The reality is, we DO want to fuck the guy or girl sitting across from us. It's natural, but yes, it does need to be controlled to the degree that we aren't just rutting in the street like animals. I guess the part that makes me mad is when people take it to the extreme of calling anyone who happens to like sex a slut or pervert. With few exceptions I think that we ALL like sex.
Still, I feel that sex and sexual expression should be celebrated. It's a gift from God or the Universe or whatever you believe. I think that's the point of the blog Sex Is Not The Enemy. I looked at it for about 20 minutes before I began to understand what the creator of the blog was trying to do.
A lot of the posts are nothing more than an image. HD shots of real human beings enjoying one another or themselves. Smiles, all kinds of body types, black, white, gay, lesbian, TS, you name it. Everything that we are as a species is represented and shown for what it is.
We are beautiful. We fill our universe with each other and that's the way it should be.
Course corrections...
You've spent a long time with someone special.
You share many things - physically, historically and emotionally. Despite everything that you share and the closeness you may feel, there comes a time when you sit down with yourself to evaluate where you are in the world. It has nothing to do with the other person. Being fully realistic about your own destiny is a natural, necessary thing.
Usually when we think about change in our bodies or mind we are only dealing with minor course corrections. Lose a little weight, change our spending habits, or go with a new brand of soap, that sort of thing. What I’m talking about is deeper though.
When you start thinking about the ultimate trip that you have to take on your own it puts things into a new perspective. You question things like the choices that you’ve made and where they’ve lead you. You start to think about whether or not you are happy and if the person you spent your life with is happy with you.
These thoughts contain the substance that can affect your relationship and you owe it to yourself to be brutally honest about where you stand.
Whichever way your heart feels you have to acknowledge the feeling, even if you don’t understand it. Remember nothing in your heart happens in a vacuum. If you are feeling something there is a reason for it, regardless of whether you understand why. If you are a person of good conscience your heart will not lie to you. It might say something that you don’t like, or something that scares the shit out of you, but it won’t lie.
Your job is to figure out if what you are feeling is real. Your heart won’t lie to you, but the explanation for what you are feeling is often elusive. The average person doesn’t understand everything they do. Hell, if 50% of your actions past and present make sense to you then you are a majorly smart individual. Most of us drift through only making decisions when shit jumps up and bites the hell out of us.
Or we get really sick and close to death.
I guess all I'm saying is don't take these thoughts lightly. You can ignore your heart and feelings for just so long and then the decision is usually made for you.
Trust me when I say that you always want to be the one in charge...
You share many things - physically, historically and emotionally. Despite everything that you share and the closeness you may feel, there comes a time when you sit down with yourself to evaluate where you are in the world. It has nothing to do with the other person. Being fully realistic about your own destiny is a natural, necessary thing.
Usually when we think about change in our bodies or mind we are only dealing with minor course corrections. Lose a little weight, change our spending habits, or go with a new brand of soap, that sort of thing. What I’m talking about is deeper though.
When you start thinking about the ultimate trip that you have to take on your own it puts things into a new perspective. You question things like the choices that you’ve made and where they’ve lead you. You start to think about whether or not you are happy and if the person you spent your life with is happy with you.
These thoughts contain the substance that can affect your relationship and you owe it to yourself to be brutally honest about where you stand.
Whichever way your heart feels you have to acknowledge the feeling, even if you don’t understand it. Remember nothing in your heart happens in a vacuum. If you are feeling something there is a reason for it, regardless of whether you understand why. If you are a person of good conscience your heart will not lie to you. It might say something that you don’t like, or something that scares the shit out of you, but it won’t lie.
Your job is to figure out if what you are feeling is real. Your heart won’t lie to you, but the explanation for what you are feeling is often elusive. The average person doesn’t understand everything they do. Hell, if 50% of your actions past and present make sense to you then you are a majorly smart individual. Most of us drift through only making decisions when shit jumps up and bites the hell out of us.
Or we get really sick and close to death.
I guess all I'm saying is don't take these thoughts lightly. You can ignore your heart and feelings for just so long and then the decision is usually made for you.
Trust me when I say that you always want to be the one in charge...
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Jackrabbit sex, no more...
There is a void in me that I've been aware of for years. I don't actually know what it is or what it means. I just know that something is missing and it colors every day.
I'm convinced that life is more than just working, paying bills and then dying. I'm also convinced that the keys to understand and reaching the heights of experience are within.
Within the mind.
Within the heart.
Within the body.
Since I am not a terribly religious person I have to start with what I know which is the physical. I understand how sex makes my body/mind/spirit feel, but I also know that it doesn't begin and end with my dick. Sex should involve the whole being and that's a big portion of what's missing.
For me sex has always been 98% physical involving the hands, eyes, tongue and penis. I've only rarely been able to step outside of the moment and try to actually feel something anywhere else.
It wasn't always hurry up and get it, but then again sometimes it was. Once when I was younger I met a white girl who embodied everything I ever wanted in a sex partner (the me of then and to a degree the me of now). She was wet, willing and loved to explore my body as much as I enjoyed hers. She introduced me to a world of hard and fast sex that completely blew my mind.
She was down for it anywhere. I remember fucking her in the ass under an overpass one night. We fucked in her house, in my house, at my Aunts house, outside, pretty much anywhere we had time and opportunity.
It felt AWESOME, but upon reflection I realize that it only involved the animal part of my brain. I was a sweaty mess each time we got done, but man oh man what a ride.
The key was, I was 16 years old. I could handle fucking standing up. I could handle fucking like a rabbit for 2 straight hours without really stopping to breathe. I could handle a woman that could cum three times and still want more.
That was then. I'm 45. If I were to try that shit now I'd end up in the ER.
And to be honest, I'm not interested so much in just sex. I'm looking to explore the deeper feelings involved in submitting my whole body, mind and spirit to orgasmic release. I'm trying to find ways to integrate what happens in my dick with the rest of me. If my mind and heart aren't involved I'm not interested.
Kink isn't new to me. I've been trying new things since I was 12. The first time I got my dick sucked I was 13 and the first time I was abused by an adult male I was just about 14. I've done things and had things done to me so experimenting with sexuality is second nature.
I've had threesomes with two women and one man and one woman. I've had a 10 inch dildo up my ass (which was when I discovered that I wasn't, strictly speaking, 'gay') and I've made women squirt all over me using my tongue and fingers. I even had one girlfriend who would actually pass out when she came. So yeah, I've had some cool experiences.
But with age comes wisdom and I realize that time is of the essence. I have to slow things down just a touch so that I can explore the full experience and enjoy it more. The whole jackrabbit fucking thing just isn't for me anymore.
It goes along with my realizing that monogamy is a path, like any other. I can chose to walk it or not. (You have no idea what this concept cost me to conclude...) Being with one person for the rest of my life was how I thought it was supposed to be. It's what I was taught was 'natural' and 'normal'.
It took me realizing that my time was finite to understand the lie implicit in my younger teachings. My path should have always been my own. My path should have always been towards growth. My own and the growth of the people I love. No one gains if I stay locked into the same place out of some misguided sense of loyalty to an ideal that was never mine.
Better late than never I guess...
I'm convinced that life is more than just working, paying bills and then dying. I'm also convinced that the keys to understand and reaching the heights of experience are within.
Within the mind.
Within the heart.
Within the body.
Since I am not a terribly religious person I have to start with what I know which is the physical. I understand how sex makes my body/mind/spirit feel, but I also know that it doesn't begin and end with my dick. Sex should involve the whole being and that's a big portion of what's missing.
For me sex has always been 98% physical involving the hands, eyes, tongue and penis. I've only rarely been able to step outside of the moment and try to actually feel something anywhere else.
It wasn't always hurry up and get it, but then again sometimes it was. Once when I was younger I met a white girl who embodied everything I ever wanted in a sex partner (the me of then and to a degree the me of now). She was wet, willing and loved to explore my body as much as I enjoyed hers. She introduced me to a world of hard and fast sex that completely blew my mind.
She was down for it anywhere. I remember fucking her in the ass under an overpass one night. We fucked in her house, in my house, at my Aunts house, outside, pretty much anywhere we had time and opportunity.
It felt AWESOME, but upon reflection I realize that it only involved the animal part of my brain. I was a sweaty mess each time we got done, but man oh man what a ride.
The key was, I was 16 years old. I could handle fucking standing up. I could handle fucking like a rabbit for 2 straight hours without really stopping to breathe. I could handle a woman that could cum three times and still want more.
That was then. I'm 45. If I were to try that shit now I'd end up in the ER.
And to be honest, I'm not interested so much in just sex. I'm looking to explore the deeper feelings involved in submitting my whole body, mind and spirit to orgasmic release. I'm trying to find ways to integrate what happens in my dick with the rest of me. If my mind and heart aren't involved I'm not interested.
Kink isn't new to me. I've been trying new things since I was 12. The first time I got my dick sucked I was 13 and the first time I was abused by an adult male I was just about 14. I've done things and had things done to me so experimenting with sexuality is second nature.
I've had threesomes with two women and one man and one woman. I've had a 10 inch dildo up my ass (which was when I discovered that I wasn't, strictly speaking, 'gay') and I've made women squirt all over me using my tongue and fingers. I even had one girlfriend who would actually pass out when she came. So yeah, I've had some cool experiences.
But with age comes wisdom and I realize that time is of the essence. I have to slow things down just a touch so that I can explore the full experience and enjoy it more. The whole jackrabbit fucking thing just isn't for me anymore.
It goes along with my realizing that monogamy is a path, like any other. I can chose to walk it or not. (You have no idea what this concept cost me to conclude...) Being with one person for the rest of my life was how I thought it was supposed to be. It's what I was taught was 'natural' and 'normal'.
It took me realizing that my time was finite to understand the lie implicit in my younger teachings. My path should have always been my own. My path should have always been towards growth. My own and the growth of the people I love. No one gains if I stay locked into the same place out of some misguided sense of loyalty to an ideal that was never mine.
Better late than never I guess...
The search for the meaning of the flame in my mind
For years now I have been aware of a slow burning candle that only I can see.
It burns in the back of my mind and puts me in a space that reminds me of Morpheus' fateful words to Neo:
'It's that feeling you have had all your life. That feeling that something was wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad, driving you to me. But what is it? The Matrix is everywhere, it's all around us, here even in this room. You can see it out your window, or on your television. You feel it when you go to work, or go to church or pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.'
That's how this thing in my head feels. Like a splinter that I know is there but can't remove or even find.
I know that there is more to life than what happens every day. It's not just about jobs and paying bills and raising kids. There is a deeper energy. Something that a few of us are able to touch and manipulate.
Just look at how many successful people there are. Actors, sports stars, business leaders, political leaders. People with high levels of something that the vast majority of us don't have, or have but aren't in tune with.
Many people go throughout their whole lives and never leave from the small town in which they were born. They do the same things day after day around the same people - for years. And I guess for them that's okay, but to me that's a form of death.
I can't see how growth takes place in an environment like that. If you don't change don't you stay the same? Or am I missing something?
At any rate, the desire, or impulse or God or whatever I feel in my head won't let me rest. It is pushing me to be more and to learn not to be afraid of things. It's driving actions that I sometimes aren't even aware of until I'm in the middle of them.
One thing I have learned about the universe – It abhors a vacuum. It will try to fill that space with something and unless you sit in the drivers seat the stuff that flows in might not be what you want...
It's true that I absolutely hate Status Quo. I think that inertia is pretty much the same as being dead. I don't know where this search will take me and in truth I'm afraid of what I may find (since it may require a major change in life), but the reality is, if I don't try then I will always wonder what I could have become.
It burns in the back of my mind and puts me in a space that reminds me of Morpheus' fateful words to Neo:
'It's that feeling you have had all your life. That feeling that something was wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad, driving you to me. But what is it? The Matrix is everywhere, it's all around us, here even in this room. You can see it out your window, or on your television. You feel it when you go to work, or go to church or pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.'
That's how this thing in my head feels. Like a splinter that I know is there but can't remove or even find.
I know that there is more to life than what happens every day. It's not just about jobs and paying bills and raising kids. There is a deeper energy. Something that a few of us are able to touch and manipulate.
Just look at how many successful people there are. Actors, sports stars, business leaders, political leaders. People with high levels of something that the vast majority of us don't have, or have but aren't in tune with.
Many people go throughout their whole lives and never leave from the small town in which they were born. They do the same things day after day around the same people - for years. And I guess for them that's okay, but to me that's a form of death.
I can't see how growth takes place in an environment like that. If you don't change don't you stay the same? Or am I missing something?
At any rate, the desire, or impulse or God or whatever I feel in my head won't let me rest. It is pushing me to be more and to learn not to be afraid of things. It's driving actions that I sometimes aren't even aware of until I'm in the middle of them.
One thing I have learned about the universe – It abhors a vacuum. It will try to fill that space with something and unless you sit in the drivers seat the stuff that flows in might not be what you want...
It's true that I absolutely hate Status Quo. I think that inertia is pretty much the same as being dead. I don't know where this search will take me and in truth I'm afraid of what I may find (since it may require a major change in life), but the reality is, if I don't try then I will always wonder what I could have become.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)