'Smart' women are sexy

I’m lumping a lot of things into the word ‘smart’. Aspects like common sense without arrogance, natural and book learned intelligence, curiosity about the world, playfulness or seriousness in direct relation to the situation, and a solid connection to her body and spirit.

‘Smart’ shows itself in a lot of ways. It’s my thought that a woman, who typically has a more inward focus, can bring energy to bear in a way that cancels out brute force. A woman who is sure of herself can disarm a man with a word or a gesture. Face it gents, we can’t do that.

Any woman who can carry on a conversation about starting a new business while simultaneously setting the rigging on a sailboat is someone to be reckoned with. What? You say that’s too farfetched?

Okay, so how about a woman who works for a non-profit and helps dozens of people just because of the power of her heart? Or a woman who can drive a 40 foot mobile home through downtown traffic like she was born doing it? Does that still sound farfetched?

Better yet, consider a woman who broadcasts sexy, intelligent and capable while doing something simple, like gardening or teaching her children?

How many times has a woman in your life caused your inner turmoil or fear to dissipate with a single look or hug or light touch? Now imagine that power in the hands of a woman who understands how the real world works. Sexy as hell, wot?

Maybe it’s just me. I’ve been told before that I have a naïve attitude about who people really are. It just seems natural to me that properly expressed feminine energy is incredibly attractive.

Men are attracted to women for dozens of reasons. A nice rack or ass, a good job, a fancy car or house are all legitimate reasons. But I’m being totally honest when I say that even though the body catches my attention, it’s the mind and how it’s used that keeps my interest. I don’t think I’m the only man who admits that he’d get bored fast with an incredibly hot chick who didn't have two brain cells to rub together.

Monogamy as a sheild against growth

Do people use monogamy and its limiting strictures as a way to avoid having to deal with fears, insecurities , or internal growth?

You bring who you are to a relationship, no matter what type it is. In the context of a love relationship this means your hopes, dreams, fears, baggage and other bullshit.

The concept of working on your own internal crap may not occur to you for several reasons. One of the hardest things for any of us to admit is the fact that we aren't perfect. Oh, I don't mean that we don't beat ourselves up about our weight or that huge zit on our foreheads. I am talking about the fact that its difficult to admit that insecurities rule your internal world.

If your insecurity is about loneliness, it's difficult to face the idea that you MUST HAVE someone in your life to feel complete. No one wants to admit, on the surface anyway, that they need anyone. In our own minds each of us are an island. Everything we need or want is right here inside of us. We fit perfectly in the world that encompasses our comfort zone and will typically fight to the death with any change that rears its ugly head. It's not unusual for people to go their whole lives without making any significant changes to who they are or what they do.

If worry about not being loved or lovable is a problem then you will grab on to the first person that shows you the slightest affection. It doesn't matter that this person also beats you pretty much daily (and I'm not talking about a good BDSM way...). Internal apathy and fear keeps women and men alike locked into toxic and sometimes dangerous situations.

Monogamy as a construct makes it easy to avoid doing this work. Once in a relationship its extremely easy to simply ignore everything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to deal with jealousies, or insecurities, or doubts. You just have to feel them and keep it moving.

Think I'm full of shit? I've been married for a total of 25 years to two women. It's only within the last year that I've realized I MUST deal with my feelings about Polyamory (didn't even know such a thing existed, I just knew something wasn't right with me and I ignored it at every turn), kink and everything else that I've stuffed away in a dark closet.

When I had the conversation with my wife about my feelings it was a bloodbath. She later told me that she felt I'd blindsided her. It didn't end the relationship, but I think it changed things.

I'm trying to do the work with the understanding that this is something that has to happen to make my life work better. My wife has told me that while she 'kind of' understands, this isn't her way and she doesn't feel the need to deal with her insecurities. She did admit that my words make her feel that she was bad in some way or unable to satisfy me. She said that ultimately it made her feel like less of a woman. She questioned why I might be interested in having a physical (or more) relationship with someone else.

When I explained that my goal was not to replace her or in any way water down the structure of our 19 year relationship I don't think that my words had any impact. In point of fact I want to enhance our relationship. She likes to dance and party and I really couldn't give a damn about those sorts of things. If there was another member of our little 'troupe' that she could hang out with for those types of events how could that be bad for her? And in the context of a love relationship, her ability to derive pleasure from fulfilling her need would be that much greater.

Since we are already in a relatively monogamous relationship, there is no real need for her to change who she is or work on her issues. She knows that I am not going anywhere so where's the impulse?

And she isn't unique. I've had conversations with many of our married friends. I've read enough books and articles and blogs to know that people generally won't deal with things until they get bit in the ass.

It's frightening how many of them are at their 'zenith'. The have achieved all of the education they feel they need. They have all of the internal strength, fortitude and moxie to achieve their goals (which usually include which club to hang out it, how much they are going to drink that weekend and worry about what they will do next weekend...) Why grow or clean out the gutters, they are pretty much fine the way they are.

I see it as a big problem if a person has reached their pinnacle at 30. Shit, its a problem if they have reached their pinnacle at all. Anyone like that should be giving life lessons to the Dali Lama. On the flip side, its kind of creepy when a person admits that they know they have issues and don't really care. I just get the image of a guy in a clock tower with a rifle each time I hear someone say that.

My favorite porn sites (redux)

A while back I promised to publish my complete list of favorite porn web sites. The list below is all of the ones I've ever visited for the most part. They are all 'safe' within reason. I mean really, no web site is totally safe now adays...

My favorite three are still TubeGalore, RocketTube and Deviant Clip. But to the favorites I'll also add xHamsterbecause of how many different subcategories the site contains. The parser is stupid simple to use and the videos load pretty fast (compared to some), plus I have never had a popup from xHamster.

Here are the others. Some of these I haven't visited in more than a year. I did go through them for the purposes of this post to make sure they all still work.

Newsfilter A little lame, but okay
Efukt This one is always good for a laugh
Stileproject This one used to be more fun
Grayvee My neighbor swears by this one
Pornhub All HD all the time, can be slow
89 Really good toplist for videos and images
Ultradonkey Image and Video toplist
Keezmovies WTF is a Keez??
Spankwire Has separate Gay and Straight section
Badjojo Search engine for porn clips
Pornrabbit Can sometimes get chat popups
Rawtube
Redtube
Mofosex Can sometimes load slow
Pornfuze Has become a search engine, hmmm
Onlybestsex I don't know about 'only...'
Moviegator
Yuvutu Makes you verify your age first
Lubetube
Tube8
Bonertube More gay stuff
Pornoxo Good stuff, lots of choices

So there ya go, more free porn than you can shake a cum covered finger at.

Enjoy!

Is Polyamory REALLY impossible?

My former Mentor believes that my desire to expand my family is ill intentioned and doomed to failure.

My wife believes that my search is purely about sexual expansion and does not believe that three people can possibly be stronger or more stable than two.

Their arguments are sort of similar although The Mentor is more inclined towards the belief that adding a third person will lead to that person trying to supplant either myself or my wife.  His contention is that no triadic system can work because of the natural human inclination towards competition and needing to be 'first' in the hearts and minds of the person they give their body and mind too.  He says that if Triadic systems worked, there would be more of them in society.

My wife's position is more elemental – she has no intention of sharing. 

She feels that she should be 'enough' for me and that there is no earthly reason for us to add anyone to make the relationship stronger.  When I explained to her what I was trying to learn and what Polyamory was, her exact words were - “You don't really believe that bullshit, do you?”

I know how much effort it takes for two people to struggle through life together.  The work load is staggering and according to statistics better than 48% of first marriages don't last more than 4 or 5 years. 

Two loving adults working as hard as they can won't guarantee that the relationship will last or even be healthy.  And that's two adults who are trying to work together.  So how screwed up is it when one or both partners are selfish, immature, or just don't care?

The Mentor's words didn't make me doubt my heart, but they did cause me to wonder if three people of like mind are somehow less capable of  working through problems than two.  Is it possible that three adults who know their hearts well enough to share their love and homes can't work out issues of jealousy and household responsibilities and child rearing?  Isn't that what any long term relationship consists of, or am I completely naive?

My wifes words didn't make me doubt my heart either, but they did make me pause to reflect on how incredibly different two people can be, even after living together for 20 years. In her worldview there is no need to expand or grow her experience beyond the commonplace.  A dalliance or two across the years is more than enough for her.

Yes a triad is tough, but I challenge you to show me a two person relationship that isn't.  Two flawed humans, who are mirrors of each other, face issues on every level from the mundane to the terrifying.  Cheating, abuse, lying, unequal love, trying to change each other and simple burn out are just 'routine' day to day problems.

In back of Poly is the same drive that created society.  We are safer and stronger as a group than as individuals.  I don't know where the idea of two people constituting the only functional format for a relationship came from, but I suspect that its one of those control tactics instituted by religion. 

If two people can find creative ways to overcome their internal bullshit and programming, is it impossible for three or four people to do the same?  Are people really THAT limited in their ability to encompass change?

Personally I don't think that Humans are as limited as the people that surround me believe.  But I have to take their words into account.  There has to be a reason that this isn't more prevalent in society, and its my goal to find out why.