The other side of the bed

A good friend once asked me - If you split with your wife how long do you think it would take you to fill your bed?

The question kind of stopped me in my tracks because until that point I'd always thought about losing her as a form of defeat. A kind of lessening of who I was as a human and as a man. It hadn't occurred to me that finding someone to replace her in the bed would make part of that loss inconsequential.

But more than that, it made me realize the real reason that I would feel loss at all. Almost all loss is based in fear. Fear that I would experience pain. Fear that I would somehow be less and in 'trouble' if my relationship with her failed.

I've been through a divorce. I was married to my high school girlfriend. The first girl I'd ever had sex with and the mother of my first child. That's a lot of firsts that could never be repeated so when the relationship hit the skids I was buried in fear responses. I cried, I argued, I talked a lot of shit and I fucked everything that I could get my dick into to make myself feel better. One of my friends later told me that I was mood swinging like some kind of drug addict. His description was very apt, love is very much like a drug and the withdrawal from that love has got to be a lot like coming off of meth or crack.

So when I got asked the question about my current wife I hesitated. My response was more out of fear than actual intellect. The smart assed part of me said "Oh an hour or so. Maybe two if I get picky." He just looked at me and smiled. He knew I was blowing pure bullshit his way, but he let me figure that out on my own.

I do know that it wouldn't take long to fill her physical space in my bed if it came down to it. That part is easy, but what about the rest of it? 20 years is a long time to be with someone. You get to know all kinds of things about them and they about you.

But the question also has a deeper meaning. I think he was trying to get me to recognize the fear and how it might stop me from living as an authentic person. It's very possible to stay in a bad relationship simply because you don't want to have to go through putting someone else in that bed with you. Not that the relationship with my wife is bad. Quite the opposite, she's a wonderful person and a great mother. She's just not heading down the same path as me. (In itself that's a scary thing.)

People go with what they know. They go with the familiar and safe, which is why monogamy is so prevalent.

You can't live in fear every day. That kind of existence robs you of your basic right as a human being to be free and happy. If it comes down to losing my wife I know at this point that both of us will be fine. We have ties that bind us in a lot of ways and nothing will ever change that.

Yes, I will find myself displaying a degree of jealousy when she finds a new man to put in her bed. I am human and she is the mother of my children, but that's just another facet of love.

The reality is all of our feelings are valid, even the ones that suck ass and I think that's what my friend was trying to teach me. Trust your feelings. Trust your heart and trust your instincts. In the end they are all you have.