Do people use monogamy and its limiting strictures as a way
to avoid having to deal with fears, insecurities , or internal growth?
You bring who you are to a relationship, no matter what type it is. In the context of a love relationship this means your hopes, dreams, fears, baggage and other bullshit.
The concept of working on your own internal crap may not occur to you for several reasons. One of the hardest things for any of us to admit is the fact that we aren't perfect. Oh, I don't mean that we don't beat ourselves up about our weight or that huge zit on our foreheads. I am talking about the fact that its difficult to admit that insecurities rule your internal world.
If your insecurity is about loneliness, it's difficult to face the idea that you MUST HAVE someone in your life to feel complete. No one wants to admit, on the surface anyway, that they need anyone. In our own minds each of us are an island. Everything we need or want is right here inside of us. We fit perfectly in the world that encompasses our comfort zone and will typically fight to the death with any change that rears its ugly head. It's not unusual for people to go their whole lives without making any significant changes to who they are or what they do.
If worry about not being loved or lovable is a problem then you will grab on to the first person that shows you the slightest affection. It doesn't matter that this person also beats you pretty much daily (and I'm not talking about a good BDSM way...). Internal apathy and fear keeps women and men alike locked into toxic and sometimes dangerous situations.
Monogamy as a construct makes it easy to avoid doing this work. Once in a relationship its extremely easy to simply ignore everything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to deal with jealousies, or insecurities, or doubts. You just have to feel them and keep it moving.
Think I'm full of shit? I've been married for a total of 25 years to two women. It's only within the last year that I've realized I MUST deal with my feelings about Polyamory (didn't even know such a thing existed, I just knew something wasn't right with me and I ignored it at every turn), kink and everything else that I've stuffed away in a dark closet.
When I had the conversation with my wife about my feelings it was a bloodbath. She later told me that she felt I'd blindsided her. It didn't end the relationship, but I think it changed things.
I'm trying to do the work with the understanding that this is something that has to happen to make my life work better. My wife has told me that while she 'kind of' understands, this isn't her way and she doesn't feel the need to deal with her insecurities. She did admit that my words make her feel that she was bad in some way or unable to satisfy me. She said that ultimately it made her feel like less of a woman. She questioned why I might be interested in having a physical (or more) relationship with someone else.
When I explained that my goal was not to replace her or in any way water down the structure of our 19 year relationship I don't think that my words had any impact. In point of fact I want to enhance our relationship. She likes to dance and party and I really couldn't give a damn about those sorts of things. If there was another member of our little 'troupe' that she could hang out with for those types of events how could that be bad for her? And in the context of a love relationship, her ability to derive pleasure from fulfilling her need would be that much greater.
Since we are already in a relatively monogamous relationship, there is no real need for her to change who she is or work on her issues. She knows that I am not going anywhere so where's the impulse?
And she isn't unique. I've had conversations with many of our married friends. I've read enough books and articles and blogs to know that people generally won't deal with things until they get bit in the ass.
It's frightening how many of them are at their 'zenith'. The have achieved all of the education they feel they need. They have all of the internal strength, fortitude and moxie to achieve their goals (which usually include which club to hang out it, how much they are going to drink that weekend and worry about what they will do next weekend...) Why grow or clean out the gutters, they are pretty much fine the way they are.
I see it as a big problem if a person has reached their pinnacle at 30. Shit, its a problem if they have reached their pinnacle at all. Anyone like that should be giving life lessons to the Dali Lama. On the flip side, its kind of creepy when a person admits that they know they have issues and don't really care. I just get the image of a guy in a clock tower with a rifle each time I hear someone say that.
You bring who you are to a relationship, no matter what type it is. In the context of a love relationship this means your hopes, dreams, fears, baggage and other bullshit.
The concept of working on your own internal crap may not occur to you for several reasons. One of the hardest things for any of us to admit is the fact that we aren't perfect. Oh, I don't mean that we don't beat ourselves up about our weight or that huge zit on our foreheads. I am talking about the fact that its difficult to admit that insecurities rule your internal world.
If your insecurity is about loneliness, it's difficult to face the idea that you MUST HAVE someone in your life to feel complete. No one wants to admit, on the surface anyway, that they need anyone. In our own minds each of us are an island. Everything we need or want is right here inside of us. We fit perfectly in the world that encompasses our comfort zone and will typically fight to the death with any change that rears its ugly head. It's not unusual for people to go their whole lives without making any significant changes to who they are or what they do.
If worry about not being loved or lovable is a problem then you will grab on to the first person that shows you the slightest affection. It doesn't matter that this person also beats you pretty much daily (and I'm not talking about a good BDSM way...). Internal apathy and fear keeps women and men alike locked into toxic and sometimes dangerous situations.
Monogamy as a construct makes it easy to avoid doing this work. Once in a relationship its extremely easy to simply ignore everything that makes you uncomfortable. You don't have to deal with jealousies, or insecurities, or doubts. You just have to feel them and keep it moving.
Think I'm full of shit? I've been married for a total of 25 years to two women. It's only within the last year that I've realized I MUST deal with my feelings about Polyamory (didn't even know such a thing existed, I just knew something wasn't right with me and I ignored it at every turn), kink and everything else that I've stuffed away in a dark closet.
When I had the conversation with my wife about my feelings it was a bloodbath. She later told me that she felt I'd blindsided her. It didn't end the relationship, but I think it changed things.
I'm trying to do the work with the understanding that this is something that has to happen to make my life work better. My wife has told me that while she 'kind of' understands, this isn't her way and she doesn't feel the need to deal with her insecurities. She did admit that my words make her feel that she was bad in some way or unable to satisfy me. She said that ultimately it made her feel like less of a woman. She questioned why I might be interested in having a physical (or more) relationship with someone else.
When I explained that my goal was not to replace her or in any way water down the structure of our 19 year relationship I don't think that my words had any impact. In point of fact I want to enhance our relationship. She likes to dance and party and I really couldn't give a damn about those sorts of things. If there was another member of our little 'troupe' that she could hang out with for those types of events how could that be bad for her? And in the context of a love relationship, her ability to derive pleasure from fulfilling her need would be that much greater.
Since we are already in a relatively monogamous relationship, there is no real need for her to change who she is or work on her issues. She knows that I am not going anywhere so where's the impulse?
And she isn't unique. I've had conversations with many of our married friends. I've read enough books and articles and blogs to know that people generally won't deal with things until they get bit in the ass.
It's frightening how many of them are at their 'zenith'. The have achieved all of the education they feel they need. They have all of the internal strength, fortitude and moxie to achieve their goals (which usually include which club to hang out it, how much they are going to drink that weekend and worry about what they will do next weekend...) Why grow or clean out the gutters, they are pretty much fine the way they are.
I see it as a big problem if a person has reached their pinnacle at 30. Shit, its a problem if they have reached their pinnacle at all. Anyone like that should be giving life lessons to the Dali Lama. On the flip side, its kind of creepy when a person admits that they know they have issues and don't really care. I just get the image of a guy in a clock tower with a rifle each time I hear someone say that.
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