I know that sex (good sex) starts in the mind. If the brain isn't engaged then its not worth it, well not entirely.
I don't mind the sweating, grunting and use of nails and teeth, but the reality is, I can't get to that point until I'm at least attracted or interested. This one thought has brought me up short when it comes to explaining my quest.
My wife asked me what I felt was missing and I couldn't answer her. Until that moment I'd never tried to put it into words. I know that I want to experiment with kink and I want to find out the difference between what I 'think' I want and what will really fulfill me, but after that – well who knows...
We'd played with a few people from time to time and that was fun, but I think she realizes that 'from time to time' isn't enough for me. She told me in pretty straight forward language that she isn't interested in a Poly or Swing lifestyle. It's not who she is and she has no intention of changing.
So when she asked me the question it caught me off guard and I was forced to realize that I didn't know exactly what I want.
This blog was created as a place for me to talk about the things that I can't discuss or even admit in 'polite society'. But something more has happened. It's grown into a way for me to examine close up all of the dark bits that I keep hidden.
What do I want? In a nutshell I want a much closer relationship with the sexual side of my heart and soul. In my day to day life I want writing and sex to be the big things that drive me, motivate me, earn me a living and help define the rest of my time on Earth.
What I mean is this - I am sick of being afraid to express all of the sides of my nature. I think about sex all the time. I realize that a lot of my actions towards earning money are so that I can pursue new understanding of how sex fits into my world. But I constantly find myself shoving my feelings deep down inside of me and acting as if they don't exist.
I used to consider becoming a sex therapist years ago, but I let my concern for how others might 'think' of me stop me from pursuing it. I know that there are people I could help.
Beyond that I am horrified at the amount of time I have allowed to pass. No one gets to live forever and you can only re-invent yourself so many times. You reach a point where you just give up if you don't do what's in your heart. That's a sad point at which to find yourself.
I have an incredible amount of respect for one of my female friends. She is single and childless by choice. In a lot of ways she and I lived similar lives growing up and it would have been easy for her to simply give in to the pressure to get married, have a bunch of babies and spend her life lying to everyone about who she is.
She made the choice to live her own way and though I don't doubt that its been sometimes lonely, she is at least brave enough to demonstrate that there's more than one path to existence.
I know that when I finally get to the point of telling those I love who I really am, I will be judged. It can't be helped, but which is worse - lying to yourself for a lifetime, or facing the slings and arrows of those we hope will care for us no matter what?
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