There is a void in me that I've been aware of for years. I don't actually know what it is or what it means. I just know that something is missing and it colors every day.
I'm convinced that life is more than just working, paying bills and then dying. I'm also convinced that the keys to understand and reaching the heights of experience are within.
Within the mind.
Within the heart.
Within the body.
Since I am not a terribly religious person I have to start with what I know which is the physical. I understand how sex makes my body/mind/spirit feel, but I also know that it doesn't begin and end with my dick. Sex should involve the whole being and that's a big portion of what's missing.
For me sex has always been 98% physical involving the hands, eyes, tongue and penis. I've only rarely been able to step outside of the moment and try to actually feel something anywhere else.
It wasn't always hurry up and get it, but then again sometimes it was. Once when I was younger I met a white girl who embodied everything I ever wanted in a sex partner (the me of then and to a degree the me of now). She was wet, willing and loved to explore my body as much as I enjoyed hers. She introduced me to a world of hard and fast sex that completely blew my mind.
She was down for it anywhere. I remember fucking her in the ass under an overpass one night. We fucked in her house, in my house, at my Aunts house, outside, pretty much anywhere we had time and opportunity.
It felt AWESOME, but upon reflection I realize that it only involved the animal part of my brain. I was a sweaty mess each time we got done, but man oh man what a ride.
The key was, I was 16 years old. I could handle fucking standing up. I could handle fucking like a rabbit for 2 straight hours without really stopping to breathe. I could handle a woman that could cum three times and still want more.
That was then. I'm 45. If I were to try that shit now I'd end up in the ER.
And to be honest, I'm not interested so much in just sex. I'm looking to explore the deeper feelings involved in submitting my whole body, mind and spirit to orgasmic release. I'm trying to find ways to integrate what happens in my dick with the rest of me. If my mind and heart aren't involved I'm not interested.
Kink isn't new to me. I've been trying new things since I was 12. The first time I got my dick sucked I was 13 and the first time I was abused by an adult male I was just about 14. I've done things and had things done to me so experimenting with sexuality is second nature.
I've had threesomes with two women and one man and one woman. I've had a 10 inch dildo up my ass (which was when I discovered that I wasn't, strictly speaking, 'gay') and I've made women squirt all over me using my tongue and fingers. I even had one girlfriend who would actually pass out when she came. So yeah, I've had some cool experiences.
But with age comes wisdom and I realize that time is of the essence. I have to slow things down just a touch so that I can explore the full experience and enjoy it more. The whole jackrabbit fucking thing just isn't for me anymore.
It goes along with my realizing that monogamy is a path, like any other. I can chose to walk it or not. (You have no idea what this concept cost me to conclude...) Being with one person for the rest of my life was how I thought it was supposed to be. It's what I was taught was 'natural' and 'normal'.
It took me realizing that my time was finite to understand the lie implicit in my younger teachings. My path should have always been my own. My path should have always been towards growth. My own and the growth of the people I love. No one gains if I stay locked into the same place out of some misguided sense of loyalty to an ideal that was never mine.
Better late than never I guess...
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