The search for the meaning of the flame in my mind

For years now I have been aware of a slow burning candle that only I can see.

It burns in the back of my mind and puts me in a space that reminds me of Morpheus' fateful words to Neo:

'It's that feeling you have had all your life. That feeling that something was wrong with the world. You don't know what it is, but it's there, like a splinter in your mind, driving you mad, driving you to me. But what is it? The Matrix is everywhere, it's all around us, here even in this room. You can see it out your window, or on your television. You feel it when you go to work, or go to church or pay your taxes. It is the world that has been pulled over your eyes to blind you from the truth.'

That's how this thing in my head feels. Like a splinter that I know is there but can't remove or even find.

I know that there is more to life than what happens every day. It's not just about jobs and paying bills and raising kids. There is a deeper energy. Something that a few of us are able to touch and manipulate.

Just look at how many successful people there are. Actors, sports stars, business leaders, political leaders. People with high levels of something that the vast majority of us don't have, or have but aren't in tune with.

Many people go throughout their whole lives and never leave from the small town in which they were born. They do the same things day after day around the same people - for years. And I guess for them that's okay, but to me that's a form of death.

I can't see how growth takes place in an environment like that. If you don't change don't you stay the same? Or am I missing something?

At any rate, the desire, or impulse or God or whatever I feel in my head won't let me rest. It is pushing me to be more and to learn not to be afraid of things. It's driving actions that I sometimes aren't even aware of until I'm in the middle of them.

One thing I have learned about the universe – It abhors a vacuum. It will try to fill that space with something and unless you sit in the drivers seat the stuff that flows in might not be what you want...

It's true that I absolutely hate Status Quo. I think that inertia is pretty much the same as being dead. I don't know where this search will take me and in truth I'm afraid of what I may find (since it may require a major change in life), but the reality is, if I don't try then I will always wonder what I could have become.