A promise made is a promise kept

One of the most important people in my life sat me down when I was younger and told me a story.

The story dealt with how black families fought and died to hold onto each other because it was only this connection that helped create and hold a community together. I know there were some parts that had to do with husbands and wives sacrificing for each other to keep the family together and that's what 'life' was about.

I don't remember all of it, but I do know that the gist of it went - 'As the only male child its up to you to continue the family name. Family is the most important thing. Your wife and children will make up the balance of your life.'

Not exactly 'Luke I am your father...' but pretty close. And since the story came from the one adult male I trusted without question I took it to heart.

I promised that I would carry on the name. I promised that I would live my life according to the principles of family first. I also promised that no matter what I would be a better husband and father than my father.

I don't remember exactly when this conversation took place but my best guess is somewhere between 11 and 12 years old.

In trying to keep that promise I completely disregarded the idea of free will. Well, maybe not exactly. I did have a choice. I just chose to follow the path laid out for me by someone that I thought of as 'better' than me.

Now, the initial response of anyone reading this might be - 'Well, your grown now. You should change things if you don't like them.' And to the degree that I have the right to choose my own life you'd be right.

But think about this. That conversation was more than 35 years ago. In that time I've made choices that drive me only in that direction. I've been married twice (once for 5 years and currently for 20). I have children. I have a business and friends that know me only as the person I've 'portrayed'.

I have relationships with my family that go back to birth and have followed a 'normal' curve of jobs, paying bills, being cheated on, divorce and the normal aspects of life.

I've created 46 years of learned responses on the part of anyone outside of my head. They 'know' me as the person I appear to be.

Since this search and my feelings are primarily internal (there are external aspects as well, but that's for later...) I've kept them close to my chest. Almost no one has any clue that I am feeling this way or dealing with the sense of disconnection that is a natural outgrowth of not living life honestly.

Can you imagine the shock of me telling everyone what I'm dealing with? Suddenly revealing that my entire adult life was based on a promise made by a 12 year old and isn't who I am at all...

My wife is having trouble with the parts that I've told her. She isn't interested in understanding even the basic levels of my internal changes. She's the closest person to my heart and she doesn't want to deal with it, so where does that leave the others?

In retrospect I think I understand what will happen on the day that I tell everyone that I am not all that interested in monogamy. I can guess the response when I tell them that I have bisexual leanings. I also know how well it will play when I reveal that I need to make changes to every aspect of my life (where I live, the things I am involved in to discover who I am, who I allow to be around me, how much time I intend to give to aspects of my physical and sexual reality, and the fact that who they think I am isn't even close.)

Telling dozens of vanilla family members and current friends that I am into kink and like to spend time taking tantra classes is going to change things.

Part of the purpose of this blog is to help me prepare for this change. I don't expect everyone to understand, but I also don't plan to keep living my life pretending to be someone that I'm not. It's guaranteed that I will lose people along the way, but I think that in the long run I will gain a new community of people who fit better.

At the very least I will finally be around people that I don't have to hide myself from. Building family and community is something that I am driven to do in my heart. Helping those around me that I care about who care for the real me.

And in a way I will still be keeping the promise, just doing it my way this time...